I should be writing..

.. but I'm here, entertaining you instead.

Kidding.

Kind of.

I mean, I know I'm not that entertaining, and this post will probably be pretty boring.. and, honestly, I should actually be doing something responsible right now instead of writing - like teaching my kids something, or cleaning my house, or exercising.. or something. Whatever. So how are you today? I'm doing okay. I just uploaded more pictures than you can stick a shake at. Now, I'm going to try to organize them into a post for you. You're welcome.

Last weekend, we went to my parents. As I mentioned on Tuesday, they both performed in their local theatre's production of My Fair Lady. They were fabulous, of course. My dad played the Zoltan guy and my mother was a cockney girl. They had a blast and I can't wait to see them in their next show.

It was a short visit, despite my parents living about 3 hours from us. We left on Saturday morning and came home Sunday morning so that we could be back in time for Aman's soccer game Sunday afternoon. The kids spent Saturday night hanging out at my parents' house with my somewhat distant cousin babysitting them.

Aman and I took the kids for a walk Saturday afternoon after lunch to help them burn off some energy (so they wouldn't drive Fallon totally crazy) and let my parents rest up a bit before the show.

(I just had to stop in the middle of typing up this post and go up two flights of stairs to plug in my laptop and finish.. my battery was dying.. and now I am. *huff, huff, pant, pant*)

It's been a while since our family has had a chance to get outside and enjoy the outdoors together.. We had a great time Saturday. See for yourself...

We somehow forgot to throw a stroller in the back of the van we rented (I know, right? we have a baby for crying out loud.. you'd think we have this down by now..), but it was all good. Jo was happy to walk the whole time. I was impressed. (And honestly, had we thought of bringing a stroller, we might have just decided against it.. because at this point in the game? it just feels like extra baggage that's not really necessary..)

Obviously, the girls had a great time running around together and walking down the street holding hands. Aman and I always get a giggle out of seeing how cute and girlie they are together. Even after 3 years of having a daughter, it still feels like uncharted territory for us after the previous 5 years with all boys.

The boys, however, did remember to bring along their scooters and helmets. They had a blast scooting all over my parents' neighborhood. They live right on the edge of the biggest park in Keokuk, the perfect place to live when you have grandchildren.. obviously. It's also a lot of fun at the end of April when they do the Civil War Reenactment in the park - oh yes, you will be bombarded with those pictures in a few weeks, make no mistake.


We went to one of the playgrounds in the park and played for a while with the kids.. it was quite windy, but the sun was shining. On the playground we took more video than pictures, I will save those for another post.





Eventually, we decided to head back to my parents' house to clean up and eat some pizza before the show. But not without snapping some shots near one of the awesome old brick buildings in the park. The kids love posing for pictures.. can you tell?



Of course, all that fun came to an abrupt end when my aunt hit Torrin with her vehicle as she pulled in the drive way.. It was a sad moment for all.


But he's made a full recovery.

I think.

Life sometimes changes our plans.. and sometimes it's for the better...

Last Saturday J and I planned a date night. Neither of us is quite sure when the last date night was.. just that it was so long ago that we both forgot when it was.

Though I suppose that's not really where the story begins...

I mentioned that we weren't able to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with my family, right?

My father's hometown in southeastern Iowa has many Irish people in it. His family took up residence there only a few generations ago. They came over from across the pond when the railroads were going up along the Mississippi. Yep, my gramps worked on the railroad.

Um.. where was I? Oh yeah. St. Patrick's Day.

There are several parties and events that take place on the weekend nearest St. Patrick's Day in and around my dad's hometown. Including a traditional corned beef and cabbage dinner with music from McNamara's Band (a Big Band that my grandfather helped start, he was one of the original members back in his baritone playing days.. or was it tuba? I can't remember now.. my dad sings with them now and a few of my cousins play..). This year there was also a performance at the Grand Theater with traditional Irish music (my dad sang at this too), bagpipes, and my dad's cousin's Irish dance class dancing.

Anyway...

We were all looking forward to going but, unfortunately, my dad came down with the Man Plague a couple days before. Seeing that my father really needed to be able to acquire adequate rest and we were not so interested in bringing home any illnesses involving regurgitation and defecation.. we decided to stay home. Everyone was sad, but we decided to make it an awesome weekend anyway - after all J had taken Friday off! So a date was planned for Saturday night. Our first in... a long time.

We discussed ideas of what we might like to do.. things like dinner, a movie, bowling, and what not.. Well, we planned on taking the kids bowling over the weekend already, so we decided to skip that. Dinner and a movie? Sure, why not. We planned to see Coraline in 3D at 4:30 and then have dinner afterward before picking up the kids.

We dropped the kids off... at 4:30. Oops. We talked about different movies we could see, but unfortunately finding movie showings during dinner hours is rather challenging - are the theaters and restaurants in league with each other on this? I smell conspiracy..

We decided to just head over to Joe's Crab Shack - our chosen fueling station - and have a long leisurely dinner. Can't remember the last time we did that! (geez, you'd think we have memory problems... ginko biloba, anyone?) After that? We figured we'd wander around the mall, maybe get something pierced or inked.. you know, whatev.

Dinner was fun. Well worth missing a movie for.

I got myself a pomegranate margarita with pop rocks. (actually, J ordered it.. he always picks me drink for me.)

J's drink was easier to pick.. we saw they had a margarita that was not only made with Patron, but also with Patron Citron (J's favorite.. in case you want to send us some..) AND it came with a free shaker! 'Hey, we need a new shaker!' Yeah.. ours broke.. don't ask.



'Hey, babe? What's that thing stuck on your head??'

I swear, he'd only stop staring at my boobs when I'd take the camera out. I think he likes me.

Now, we also have a strange habit.. nay, obsession.. with making fools of ourselves acting silly when we're out in public. We do weird things like stick straws on our teeth to make ourselves look like walruses, tell our wait staff that we have 5 rugrats and don't see the light of day very often, take pictures of each other through the evening and put them on Twitter... yeah, you get the idea.






Our waiter was nice enough to not laugh at us. And even allowed us to take his picture.. while he tied on our bibs. I totally did not tell him I would put his picture on the internet.. so if you see him.. um.. just tell him 'Hi'.













Doesn't J look happy? See.. I told you he totally has a crush on me.

Anyway, we ate a TON of food. Then we headed over to the mall to walk off our dinner and look for a piercing pagoda. Never found one. BUT we did find Glow Golf.

When we first started dating.. well, even before that actually.. we used to play a goofy old 1997 mini golf computer game. I'm not real sure who had more wins.. he'd probably tell you it was him, but I'm pretty sure it was probably me. Because I'm awesome. But I teased him relentlessly about the fact that I'd totally kick his ass on a real flesh and blood course.. (did you know mini-golf courses are made with flesh and blood? yeah.. think about that the next time you swing a club..) Which I did. Repeatedly. While we were dating.. and beyond.


Naturally, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to swing some putters at glowing balls. So we stood by the trash can and chugged finished sipping and savouring our Starbucks beverages (hey.. we tend to be tired.. dates generally require an extra dose of caffeine..) and ran madly sauntered casually over to the golf course for a round of put-put.






He totally cheated, by the way. I mean, I still won.. but he was keeping score. I'm actually not sure who's score he cheated on more though, mine or his.. He's such a gentleman.

(But I would have won even if he hadn't cheated.. I think.)





After our rousing round of mini-golf, it was starting to get late. We decided to swing by the Cheesecake Factory and pick up dessert on our way out (our dates don't 'end' when we pick up the kids..) and head back to our sitter's house to pick up the kids. Once slice of pistachio cheesecake and one slice of vanilla bean cheesecake in hand and we were on our way. But not without first TwiPic'ing the 'Ass stance' sign by the pond..

'Need help? Get ASS STANCE!'

And what date night would be complete without asking a random stranger to take a picture of us and giggle at them wait patiently while they try to figure out how your camera works?



It was an awesome night. Even if our Saturday evening wasn't spent celebrating St. Patrick's Day with my kinsmen or watching a 3D animated movie or paying someone to put more holes in my body.. it was well worth all the extra exercise I will have to do to work off the cheesecake and bragging rights on 'I'm still the better putter'.. and some real quality time with my wonderful spouse, remembering all the reasons we love to hang out together.

The End.

A Little Homesick...

Or home and a little sick?

I don't really have anything delightful to squeeze out of my own gray matter for you today.. I'm a bit under the weather today and have a crappy headache. I'm working on reading, but can't seem to get into anything.. I have books I haven't read sitting on my shelf, but each time I start one I end up just trading for another.. *sigh*. Perhaps I should read a graphic novel instead. Those are easier.. I have a couple of Catwoman books waiting, and the latest issue of Walking Dead.. And now I'm boring you all with totally random rambling.. It's 60 degrees and sunny today and my body wants nothing to do with outdoor activity. How sad. And my poor children have a mother who can't keep up with the laundry well enough to be willing to let them go enjoy the sunshine and slather themselves with mud. Because out there? everything. is. mud.

Mud is something we didn't have a lot of in California. I mean sure.. we had 'mud'. But not like Iowa mud. Iowa has mud. Like deep, sticky, lose your boot in it mud. I'm not up for it today. Sorry kids. At least we might have some snow by the end of the week.. What a crazy state we live in.. I just love global warming.

Wow, my writing is crap today.. I guess it's a good thing I can't focus enough to work on my book (not the one I submitted.. I started another one last week..). If I did work on it, I might have to later delete anything I produced today.

Speaking of California.. my good buddy Evan brought my attention to a lovely tribute to Trader Joe's over at Laughing Squid. Hence the touch of home sickness. I heart Trader Joe's. I did ALL of my grocery shopping there when we lived in Folsom. They were awesome. Affordable. Healthy. Natural. Unique.. aaahh... I wish they'd add one here in Des Moines. I know it would be a big hit.

So, I'll shut up now.

I did it!!

Thank you so much to those of you who took the time yesterday to stop by and wish me well in my endeavor. I am happy to report that I did finish and submit my work at approximately 9pmCT.. with just 2 hours to spare!

Now, this is a contest with up to 10,000 entries.. so I don't really expect anything to come of it (that coming from the one person who has actually read my entire manuscript..), but I still look at it as a very big accomplishment to have even entered it. The fact that I entered it shows that my manuscript is indeed finished, I have my first pitch written (this is a letter to potential publishers to 'sell' the book, it is crucial in getting published), and I have something to work with! A finished piece of work that I can take with me to agents and publishers.

Being someone with much desire and little confidence, you all have been the greatest contributors to my success. If it were not for all the feedback I have received here from all of you on my stories, I probably wouldn't have bothered with all of this. So, thank you. I look forward to hearing what all of you think of my book!

And if any of you have any clever ideas for a pen name.. I'd love to hear them.

Don't Bother Me... I'm working.

Today is the deadline for the Amazon/Penguin Breakthrough Novel Contest.

I had all but given up on making the deadline earlier this week when I realized I would still have to write a pitch, a bio, and beef up my synopsis for this on top of finishing editing my novel.. but after a couple whirlwind editing sessions on Friday and Saturday, I decided I might actually have a chance if I busted my ass.. J sat me down, duct taped me to the chair, put my headphones on my head and my manuscript and laptop in my hands and told me to get my butt in gear get to work. Don't worry, he's making sure I stay hydrated and feeding me the occasional snack..

Hopefully they won't reach 10,000 submissions before I finish.

So leave me a comment.. wish me well, wish me luck, encourage me.. or just tell me I'm crazy and I smell funny (I did shower this morning.. I promise!). Whatever.

Current status at 1:46pmCT: done editing hard copy, working through document on computer.. starting Chapter 21 out of 24. Need to write one missing scene, write pitch, write bio, beef up synopsis..

Current status at 3:45pmCT: the manuscript is finished! Mom called to see what I'm up to this weekend and told me how proud of me she is for all my hard work.. almost cried, so happy.. now for the pitch, the synopsis, and the bio.. Googling pitch-writing..

Current status at 6:52pmCT: belly full of chili, sipping on a Guinness, synopsis done, ready to write pitch and bio.. it's the home stretch people!! I have a bottle of champagne in the fridge with my name on it, I'm going all the way!!!

Adventures in Social Anxiety..

This is one of those posts where I get real... honest. (okay.. maybe not.. but it got your attention right?)

So yesterday, I had scheduled a 'play date' of sorts with a friend of mine. She's a new friend (really.. pretty much all of my friends in Iowa fall into the 'new' category..), someone I met at one of the ladies coffee nights with the Church Ladies. We discovered, rather quickly, that we have a lot in common.. and decided that additional time together was definitely in order.

Now, many people who know me in real life (hello, out there. I see you reading this..) may not believe me when I say this.. but, I am terribly shy. Painfully shy. And, thanks to some clever advertising in the past couple years, I discovered there is a name for this.. Social Anxiety. Anyone who has experienced any form of anxiety knows what it feels like. The heart-pounding-breath-caught-in-the-throat-shaking-palms-sweating-oh-my-gosh-I'm-gonna-die feeling is pretty unmistakable.. though, the first time you feel it you swear someone slipped you something and that surely there is something much worse than 'the A word' going on..

It's at its worst when I'm gearing up to gather with a group of people that I don't know well, or have never met (hello NaNoWriMo people.. I'm so glad to be comfortable around you now..). Also? the first time someone comes to my house.. it... kinda freaks me out.

Part of this comes from the fact that I've received much criticism from family members (some actual.. probably mostly perceived..) on my *ahem* house keeping skills.. or lack there of. Now, yesterday's guest was about as non-threatening as they come.. especially seeing that we've done much giggling over our confessions of being mess-aholics.. domestically challenged.. and that we both have many items in our house that, over the years.. or days.. have become nothing more than 'put-shits' (you know.. it's where you put shit).. like pack 'n plays, or that table in the corner, or that one part of your kitchen counter (or maybe the whole kitchen counter.. depending on 'how things are going in your life at that time').. cause see, we also are both a bit mental. Like both have problems with depression, and ADD, and other such nonsense...

Where was I??

Oh yeah..

Still, that didn't stop me from freaking out.

Oh my gosh.. she's coming in half an hour and I haven't even done the dishes.. I need to at least do the dishes.. she'll be here about 12:30, is she going to want lunch? should I call her and ask? GOD, I don't want to call her.. I hate calling people.. but we don't really have food.. umm.. there's microwave burritos, and crackers.. and pretzels.. and.. crap, I really need to go to the store! Breathe, Megan. I gotta get the dishes done! GET OUT OF MY WAY JO, I HAVE TO DO THE DISHES. She has a baby.. I need to make sure there isn't anything on the floor that her baby can choke on.. the kittens upstairs! Breathe, Megan. I better gate the stairs.. OH CRAP I DIDN'T CLEAN THE BATHROOM AND SHE'LL BE HERE IN 5 MINUTES! What if they're allergic to cats? What if they just don't LIKE cats?? Crap. I wonder if we can use a credit card and order a pizza.. Breathe, Megan. Oh, I hope she calls and cancels. No, I know we'll have fun.. No, I wish she'd just call and cancel.. JO GET OUT OF THE WAY I HAVE TO CLEAN THE BATHROOM. She's late, maybe she's not coming, maybe she forgot.. do I call her? NO. I don't want to call her. I need to make the kids lunch.. BREATHE. I'll make their lunch and just wait...

Ding dong.

We had a great time. We spent about 4 hours just sitting around talking and laughing and watching the babies. We totally lost track of time.. and my throat was parched by the time she left from my vocal expenditures.. She's coming again in a couple weeks.

Excuse me.. I need to go get ready.
Right after I throw up.

I'm beat...

I am utterly exhausted from a very long play date today.. One of my newest friends and her two adorable daughters graced us with their presence for the entire afternoon.. There was much talking, and play-doh, and cat chasing, and giggling.. and I'm..... pooped. (cause what's a post from me without a little doodie..)

So, instead.. go watch my husband eat dirt.. and leave him a comment to cheer him on. And if you want to hear my sultry vocals, watch the pilot video where I interview him on death and evangelism.. Enjoy.

10x10 Things Tuesday.. My 100th Post!

So I was mulling, hemming, and hawing over what to do for my 100th post for the last day or two.. Last night I thought to myself.. 'Self, you better hurry up and do that 100th post tonight! Tomorrow is Tuesday.. and you know what that means..' So I wondered.. 'Hm. I wonder. How many 10 Things Tuesday posts have I done? Because, if this is my 10th, then that would make it like.. 100 Things Tuesday.. and how great would that be for my 100th post!'

Well, guess what...

This is my 10th 10 Things Tuesday post. See how clever I am? Stop a moment and appreciate it...

.......

You done? Good. Now.. here are 10 lists for my 10th 10 Things Tuesday.. equaling 100 things for my 100th post.. Enjoy.

10 things I love about Iowa..

1. SNOW! though we aren't getting much this winter.. excuse me while I go cry..
2. neighbors! we actually know our neighbors.. as in, like we know their names! this is a rather novel thing for a Californian.. especially considering we knew them all within a month of moving in. impressive.. I know.
3. home schooling. I know it may sound weird.. but shortly after we left California, it pretty much became illegal for us to home school there.. it's still legal here.
4. 4 seasons.. as in - 4 months of spring, 4 months of summer, 4 months of fall, and 4 months of winter! for real!
   
5. it's slower. case in point? speed limits. the main streets through Folsom had an average speed limit of 50mph. in Des Moines? the average through town speed limit is 30mph. nice.
6. shopping. I can go to Target, on a Saturday, and not walk a mile to get from my car to the door.
7. the malls. I mean.. I'm really *not* much of a shopper.. and I'm no longer a mall-hopper like I was in Jr High.. but HOLY FOOD COURT BATMAN! Have you been to a midwest mall?? the first one we went to was 'the small, old one' in town.. it was like the size of a small city. we got a little lost.
8. it's corny. get it? ha! I kill me.
9. seriously though, we grow enough corn here to feed like... a LOT of people.. but? we make stuff with it. like water bottles and fuel and stuff. corny.
10. the Iowa State Fair! did you know it's on the list of '100 Things to Do Before You Die'? or something like that... morbid, huh? I think it made it on there as a filler 'Hm.. what else can we throw on here, I can't think of anymore..' so... I'm using it as a filler too. I'm awesome.

10 Interruptions I had while I was trying to type up the last list..

1. Ellie wanted chocolate milk.
2. I had a phone call.
3. J wanted me to comment on his blog.
4. Jo wanted chocolate milk.
5. Another phone call.
6. Torrin wanted chocolate milk.
7. Jo fell on her face.
8. Ellie pooped and then claimed to be a mermaid.. 'No, I a mermaid.. I have no poopy. See? I have a tail, no poopy!'
9. Kieran announced he wanted J to stay home from work tomorrow and play Twister.
10. Then I sat and thought about sending the kids to a sitter and having J stay home to play Twister with just me.. clothing optional...

Where was I? oh yeah...

10 Reasons you should read my blog..

1. I write good.
2. I'm funny.
3. It will make you feel better about yourself.. and your life.. and your weather.. maybe.
4. Because I don't mind if you laugh at me instead of with me. I think I'd probably laugh at me..
5. It's highly effective birth control. Trust me.
6. Because you like to look at pictures of my cute kids.
7. Because you have nothing better to do.. and I'm free entertainment.
8. Not that kind of entertainment! Pervs.
9. You need to know where to get free coffee in Des Moines.
10. I'm smarter than the average wombat.
    

10 Things I love about Home Schooling..

1. Flexibility.
2. Tailored learning/teaching.
3. Pajamas.
4. Flexibility.
5. Socialization.
6. Being with my kids!
7. Knowing exactly what they are learning.
8. Knowing whether or not they are 'getting it'.
9. Flexibility.
10. Field Trips!

10 Things I ingested today..

1. coffee.
2. blueberry Eggo waffle.
3. licorice tea.
4. Cars themed Teddy Graham crackers.
5. chocolate caramel pretzels.
6. licorice tea.
7. a microwave burrito.
8. um... something for dinner?
9. hopefully, an alcoholic beverage.
10. maybe some ice cream... maybe not.

10 Things I miss about California.

1. the ocean.
2. my brother and his family.
3. my friend Tonya.
4. the American River.
5. the American River bike trail.
6. Adalbertos
7. In and Out
8. uuummmm....
9. my AWESOME midwives.
   
10. Trader Joe's !!!!!!! *sigh*

10 Reasons we left California..

1. we were watching our credit score get lower and lower.. good for golf, not for credit.
2. HOT.
3. we would never have been able to get a home. (well.. maybe not *never*)
4. lots of work.. not so much pay.
5. did you know that it is now pretty much illegal for us to home school there? yeah.
6. we lived in one house for just over a year.. and never met ANY of our neighbors.
7. the next house? we lived there over a year.. and THEN met them.
8. they were pretty nice though.
9. the TRAFFIC.
10. the expense!

10 States we drove through when we moved here from California..

1. California
2. New Mexico
3. Arizona
4. Texas
5. Oklahoma
6. Kansas
7. Missouri
8. Iowa
9. oh wait.. crap.
10. um... nevermind.

10 Guys I dated in high school..

1. Devon
2. Brayden
3. Kyle
4. Ben
5. Peter
6. Nick
7. Tim
8. Shuan
   
9. Peter again
   
10. Jeremiah

10 Things that were not originally in my house when it was built.

1. the kitchen sink.
2. the toilets.
3. the dishwasher
   
4. the bathtub.
5. the oven/range.
6. the furnace/air conditioner
7. modern electricity
8. some of the doors
9. carpet
10. um.. any other unmentioned indoor plumbing.

Okay, there's my 10 lists for my 100th post.. I hope you enjoyed them! I had planned on telling you the story about how we came to Iowa and all about our '100 year old home' but.. well, instead I gave you some background info as kind of a pre-story teaser.. You're welcome.

I'm a Weeener!!

So today is November 30. Know what that means?? No?? *smack* It means the end of both NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo, you doofus!!

I've enjoyed both immensely this month and look forward to participating next year.. Especially since both were decidedly successful for me!! Yes. I DID do 30 posts in 30 days, and yes, I DID write 50k words in 30 days! Okay, okay.. I admit, my book is not entirely finished yet.. But it very well may be by midnight tonight if I keep going.. if not then probably by the end of the week at the latest. I only have another 2 or 3k to go. So yeah, here's my mondo boringo post for today.. slapped up here mostly for the purposes of completing NoBloMoFo and.. oh yeah.. so I can show of this!

Yay, me!

and this!

Fun With Squirrels..

One of the many things I love about living in Iowa is a little something we call backyard wildlife. No, I don't mean that we have wild parties with drinking binges and drugs and puking and stuff in our backyards where everyone gets so inebriated that they don't remember what happened the next morning as they wake up covered in leaves and twigs under the back porch... Or perhaps that is what's going on and I just don't realize it due to the fact that the participants are of the non-human variety. Maybe I don't know just how 'wild' our wildlife is?

We frequently (as in, nearly daily) spot all types of critters in our yard ranging in several different kinds of birds, to squirrels, to bunnies, and of course deer, raccoons and possums. It is not unusual for one to interrupt ladies night on my lawn among the neighborhood deer if one is to venture out late in the evening. The other night I opened the back door to go out and push the bikes and skateboards the rest of the way into the garage so I could shut the door after putting the kids to bed and was greeted by 3 deer outside my back door. Two were lounging lazily in the grass and the third (presumably Mama Deer as she was the biggest) was grazing. I just stopped where I was and stood silently watching them, them watching me.. eventually they decided that if I wasn't going to go away, they would, and off they pranced into the neighbors yard (their grass is probably better anyway).

My daughter is convinced that someday she will catch and hold a squirrel or a bunny. We've actually had bunnies nest in our yard.. the first batch was found with a lawn mower.. eeeewww. That was messy. They certainly are entertaining to watch though.

Our neighbors have a bird haven in their backyard with several feeders and a pedestal bath in the center of their lawn. The kids have enjoyed learning the names of some various birds and watching the squirrels mess with them - stealing their food and chattering at them from the trees.

I won't even get started on the fun Molly had with the squirrels.. since I'm still rather saddened by her absence. But you can imagine what entertainment would come from having a lab/pointer mix on a 30' line in a yard filled with squirrels.

Squirrels are little hellions. Their kind of like a pack of six year old boys who have been raised by wolves and live on a diet of sugar and sugar-coated sugar.

My parents also live in Iowa. Yep, they do. They also have lots of backyard wildlife to enjoy down in their neck of the woods. Amazing, I know. And I know for a fact that their wildlife is most certainly the partying variety.. they leave quite the mess of beer bottles and cigar stubs around my parents yard.

My mother has a bird house on a pole. Sound weird? It is. Okay, not really if you're looking at it.. but still. It's a metal pole, don't worry it will all make sense... She likes to keep it well stocked all year since it's directly in line with her kitchen window and that way she has something to keep her entertained while she washes her dishes. As fall attacked with a vengeance: temperatures dropping 20 degrees a day, plants shriveling like grapes on a hot day, and leaves dropping from the trees like clothes off a hooker.. mom noticed that the bird-feeder-on-a-pole was emptying almost as fast a she could fill it.

"What the..??" she wondered to herself as she refilled it for the 257th time in one day..

The next day, she kept vigil by her kitchen window, determined to figure out who was pigging out on her seeds. It didn't take long for the snack bandit to make itself known. Before long, she spied a squirrel, a fat furry little bugger, running full speed across the yard and scurrying up the metal pole.. Yep, the metal pole that was there for the purpose of deterring the squirrels who might rob a bird house were it hanging in a tree.

Stunned, my mother began to ponder ways she might be able to thwart young squirrel's quest for the birdie goodies. "A-ha!" she exclaimed as she opened her cupboard and grabbed the can of Crisco.

The next morning, she got up early. It was o'dark thirty and she donned her black sweat suit and ski mask, grabbed her trusty can o' Crisco and headed out the back door into the crisp fall morning. She snuck stealthily over to the bird-house-on-a-pole and squatted down in the grass beside it, opening her can o' Crisco. She scooped up some of the cool, slimy grease and began rubbing it all up and down the metal pole. When she was finished, she packed up her weapon of mass deterrence and headed back indoors.

Later that morning, as she was scrubbing the morning dishes, she watched carefully through her window for Mr. Climb-a-pole-and-steal-another-poor-defenseless-animal's-food. Sure enough, after a few minutes she spotted the little glutton jockeying for position off in the corner of the yard. He took aim and shot across the yard in a blur of brown fuzz and claws and launched himself at the pole.

Thunk.. sshhllllliiiiink.. plop. Lather, rinse, repeat. No cookie for you.

Naturally, mom laughed hysterically and dad came to see what the ruckus was about. Then, he too got to join in on the giggle-fest as they watched Mr. Not-so-clever-as-he-thought-he-was Squirrel repeatedly throw himself with wild abandon at the treat on a stick, only to slide pitifully back to the ground over and over.

I think next time mom should let dad camp out by the fire pit with a bee-bee gun, catch the little hoodlum, and put him on a stick. Forget weenie roast, let's have a squirrelly roast!

Sitemeter makes me giggle: this post earned me a page view from someone who googled 'opossoms spaying and rubbing there head on tree pic'... yeah, you know who you are...

grocery store humor

Please excuse any typos... my right hand is quite sore from writing out my novel long hand.

So the other day, we stopped by the store to pick up a few necessities. We had the whole family and I think there were fewer items on the grocery list than there were people in our vehicle, so J decided to go it alone.

One of the items on our list was milk. We drink 'natural milk' from Sheeder's Farms.

So J, still in the Uniform, goes into the store and proceeds to gather his family's necessities. He heads for the dairy Aisle and grabs one of the lovely glass bottles of milk and places it in his cart.

A heavy set woman of presumably African American descent then approaches him and inquires..

"Are you Amish?"
"Um.. no."
"Oh.. I was just wondering if that was goat's milk or something.."
"Nope."
"Well, why's it in that glass bottle?"
"Uh, I don't know. It's just good milk and it's from a local dairy. We like it."
"Oh.. I see.... So are you a rabbi?"
*stifling a chuckle* "Nope."
"Really?.. Are you Middle Eastern??"
*snickers* "No."
"Hm.. are you sure? Are you lying to me?"
*laughs a little* "I'm trying not to."
"What do you mean, you're 'trying not to'?"
"Well, you see, I could just go with it and tell you that I am one of those identities you've mentioned. But then I would be lying.. that would be funny. But I prefer to be honest."
"Hm. So, if you don't mind me asking.. what nationality are you?"
"Well, ma'am.. I'm a Christian man who decided to grow out his beard and start dressing nice for work. I'm American. But my family has some French and Spanish.. among other Europeans. I'm also part Mexican."
"I see. Well... I don't believe you."

Graphic Novel always sounded like some secret code for 'porno' to me..

Cause you know.. porn is pretty graphic after all..

So Saturday night was Date Night. When I use the term 'date night' that way I don't just mean we got a sitter and went out, but rather that our church provided free babysitting and we took advantage of it so that we could do.. well.. nothing. Because our church ROCKS, and after 9 years of marriage, we just don't know what to do with ourselves on the rare occasion that we get out without children in tow.

We fed the kids before kicking them out of the van as we drove past the front door of the church.. I mean, dropping them off with hugs and kisses all around.. and grabbed a slice or two of their pizza for ourselves so that we could skip dinner and have more time to.. you know.. do whatever.

"What do you want to do?"
"I dunno.." feet on the dashboard because there are no short people behind me watching and waiting for their opportunity to copy my misbehavior.. "What do YOU want to do?"

Wow.. our date nights always seem to start off like that scene from Jungle Book.. You know the one. No? Oh. Oh well. Anyway..

"Was Andrew working tonight?"
"Yep... You want to go to Starbucks?"
"Sure, why not."

So off we went to our favorite local Starbucks.. The one in West Des Moines, where my husband is commonly referred to as 'Hi-5 Guy'. And yes, I said West Des Moines. As in the part of Des Moines that is farther west than the Des Moines we live in.. the part where all the rich yuppie types live.. (totally kidding) It just made us snicker when we watched the Olympics and everytime they'd talk about Shawn Johnson they'd say 'from West Des Moines, Iowa..' Cause, you know.. too good for just plain old Des Moines... (again.. just kidding, they really are their own entity over there).

We walk in and everyone in the joint (always a big crowd on Saturday nights..) jump up and say 'Hey! It's Hi-5 Guy!!'... no wait.. It was just Andrew (on break) and Oana (his fiance.. lucky girl).. and a couple more of our favorite baristas behind the counter. So we sat around and chatted for a bit about gay guys in public restrooms, raunchy comedy filled with profanity and how it makes a GREAT birthday gift, and pot, and of course we complained about how the church should have totally done an overnighter cause that way we could have gone to the Showbread concert in Iowa City.. They kind of looked at us cross-eyed at the mention of Showbread and we gave up at that point and moved on (after all.. we went over who Showbread was on one of our previous date night visits to Starbucks to see Andrew and Oana.. if they don't get it by now..).



"So where you guys headed?"
"The comic book store."
"Comic book store??.. Where's that?"
"Around the corner."
"Really?"
"Yeah.. Really. You read comics?"
"Well.. not since I was like.. 9. You mean like Marvel and stuff?"
"Yeah. And DC.. and Image."
"Hunh."

Ok.. so off we take our geeky selves to Mayhem.. our local comic book store to purchase some graphic novels. Because the more sophisticated comic connoisseur (did I spell that right?? cause it totally looks wrong..) prefer to call them graphic novels not comic books. After all, comics are for.. like 9 year olds and stuff.. right?

J picks up the newest issue of Teen Titans (ok.. that one really was just a comic book.. after all it was an issue.. complete with bag and board..) and I get the next book in the Catwoman series that I've been reading. I love Catwoman. I like me some Batman too, but Catwoman? She's my home girl, yo. Sadly, the next issue of Suburban Glamour is still not out, so it was a one book night. Goods in hand, we were on our way.

To where? We had NO clue. And by this time we only had about an hour and a half left. Honestly, it wasn't too big of a deal.. Kind of reminisce of the days when we were dating/engaged. We'd hop in the car and just drive. No destination in mind, no where to go and nothing to do, we'd just point the car and go. We drove around a bit aimlessly, contemplating what things there are to do here. A lot of Iowans will tell you that there's little to nothing to do around here and assume that we must be SO bored here after living in California. Um. No. There's all the same stuff here, plus some other really cool stuff that we didn't have there. AND everything here is closer and cheaper, and thus more accessible. Plus, between the driving, the gas, the admission, the blah blah blah.. with all there was to do in California? we never really got to do much of it (and there wasn't that much to do either..).

Eventually, we decided to go to Gateway Market and Cafe and pick up some dessert to bring home. We meandered through the aisles (since I've been to the Cafe part twice, but never had a chance to look around), checked out the booze.. I mean beer and wine.. selection, and gave the nifty 'wine chiller' a test drive. Sweet. Wine? Not so good.. I smelled it before tasting and it kind of reminded me of Eliana's diaper in the morning.. eeeew..

more the engrish!

Once we'd racked up a decent bill of goodies, we wrapped up our evening of coffee, comics, and cake.. and headed back to church to pick up the hoodlums.

Lesson? We're going to keep a running list of Things to Do on Date Night.. so that we have some ideas at the ready in the future.. Still, we enjoy just being out without kids when given the chance and it's great 'getting to know you' time.. Seriously, after 9 years of being married with 5 kids under foot.. there's always plenty of 'getting to know you' to be done.

idiots on the internet.. not for the faint of heart!

J: "Speaking of leg-humping dogs.. my co-worker told me a funny story the other day.."

I know, I know.. not the conversation you'd expect to have while eating brunch at Cracker Barrel with your best friend (E) and his wife (R) before they fly back to California.. But, what can I say, I married a man with panache. (Yes, I did.. so shaddup.)

J: "So my co-worker knows a lady up north a bit who frequents some of Iowa's illustrious bike trails. One day, she's out on the trail riding and hears a noise, just off the trail, up ahead.. She peeks over as she's passing and there, pretty much out in the open, is a lady who's totally going at it with some dude.. like going way downtown on him. Shocked (and, not to mention a bit disgusted) by her discovery, she just continued on her way and tried to forget what she just saw. She didn't want to let the image linger too long for fear of recognizing them.. it is, after all, a pretty small town. Little did she know, she was in for much worse.."

He paused as the waitress poured more coffee in our mugs and glanced at the kids to make sure they were still ravenously devouring their food (I swear, you'd think we never feed them..) and not paying attention to the boring grown-up talk. He leaned in, lowered his voice a bit, and continued..

J: "So, the next time she's out on the trail, she's passing by the SAME spot and hears noises again. She, rather hesitantly, looks over again as she passes.. only this time she sees a man on all fours with a dog behind him, giving it to him.. well.. doggie style."

R: "No! Are you serious??"

J: "Yes. But wait, it gets better. So when she gets home, she thinks 'That's enough. I need to report this to someone.' So she calls the department of parks and rec or animal control or something, and tells her story. The lady on the other end, a friend of said trail patron, is rather disturbed by the tale at first.. then, she says 'Wait.. what did the dog look like??' So the woman describes the dog to her. 'Oh... gosh. that's MY dog.. um.. shoot... .. What did the man look like?' So she describes the man to her.. 'Oh shit! That's Uncle Bob! Dang it... We told him not to do that in public anymore!'"

(insert shocked laughter here)

R: "No way!"
E: "In public!?! As in 'It's fine at home, Bob.. but please, not in public!'?"
R: "Seriously, who DOES that?? Can the dude not get a girlfriend? or does he just prefer canines?"
Me: "Well.. Some people do.."
J: "True, there's whole p*rn sites dedicated to it. Besides, I guess the guy is a little retarded."
Me: "Um.. yeah. I think you'd have to be to do it in public.. with a DOG."
R: "It really begs the question.. how does one get a dog to DO that??"
Me: "Exactly. I mean, it's not exactly and instinctual behavior.."
R: "Unless, perhaps, he found some way of extracting the scent of a bitch in heat and rubbed it on his nethers.."
J: "Well, apparently it's not TOO hard to figure out.. After all, the guy isn't that bright."
E: "Well, he probably doesn't have to be Einstein. I'm sure any idiot with internet access could figure it out."

Me: "Dude. You just described the entire United States."