Hello.. I'm not here anymore.

If you've come to my Blogger blog, I'd like to redirect you to my new WordPress blog. Now would be a good time to update your readers and blog rolls and such. Some of you newer readers will probably already be over at the new site, because you have my domain saved instead of my Blogger url. Good for you. For those of you old timer, loyal fans (*snicker*).. you'll need to update. I'm still working on getting everything set up over there.. so be patient with me.

Thank you!

Embellished Truth and Polite Fiction has moved!

My Darling Joella..

Every day I look at you.. and I am amazed. I am amazed and frustrated, and envious and terrified. I fear my heart may burst with all of the emotions you evoke. Everything in your world is beautiful and funny and exciting. You run at life head on, with no fear, pushing your limits and eager for your next adventure or challenge. I hope and pray that no one ever scares you enough to shatter that courage. But if that does happen, I pray that you may find your voice and speak out against the wrongs done to you.. that you may pick yourself up, put yourself back together, and bravely move forward.
When you climb on furniture or run down the driveway to the street, I want to pull you back, to hold you tight, and protect you. I want to hold you back, to keep you to myself, just as you are. I might go so far as to point out that no one else is doing such things, and wonder what put the idea in your little head? But I know it doesn't matter to you. What those around you are doing is of little consequence, you truly march to your own beat. The world is your playground and everything in it is a new experience waiting to be devoured. And I smile knowing you have a mind of your own and you will go your own way, forge a new path. I admire your ingenuity and creativity.
Many parents have plans or hopes for their children, ideas about who they'd like them to be or how they'd like them to turn out. But I'm not out to mold you or shape you into who I want you to be. I want you to be you! And I delight in learning more about you each day. Your growing vocabulary and your new found ways of communicating surprise me everyday, and my heart aches as I watch you grow up right before my eyes. I can't wait to see the young woman you become! Watching you discover yourself and who you are is a privilege I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I realize you won't always want me along for that ride, and that's okay. You are your own person, don't ever let anyone tell you differently. But please know that I will always be here to catch you when you fall and help you get back on your feet.
As you lavish your innocent love and affection on those close to you, I am in awe of how freely you dispense it. I yearn with every ounce of my being to protect you from ever having someone break your trust, betray you, or take advantage of your love.. perverting and twisting it and turning it to pain. But I know that I can't always be there to watch over you and I just hope that, over the years, you can trust me enough to be open and understand that I love you, no matter what. I will be here with an open heart, a welcoming shoulder, and a willing ear. If you ever need to fall apart, I promise to help put you back together.
Your laughter is like music. I step out on the porch in the morning, greeted by the sound of hundreds of birds chirping and chattering, and I can't help but think of you and your darling giggle. Like a lilting melody, sweet and precious. It warms my heart and makes me dizzy and euphoric, I can't help but stop and smile and laugh right along with you. The way you spin and dance and sing songs in your own tongue may not draw an audience but it is enough to make me wish I could dance and sing with you. But grown-ups have little knowledge or understanding of your world. To be so tiny again and free from the weight of adult responsibility upon you seems unfathomable at times. It is so beautiful to watch. The magic and mystery of childhood still fresh and new. You make me want to be a child again and I do my best not to intrude on your world, preserving it and protecting it from mine. Adulthood and maturity come soon enough and I want you to enjoy your carefree innocence for as long as you desire.
And then come the rare delicious moments when our worlds collide and mingle. Catching fireflies together as the sun sinks low in the sky, sitting in a tent in the backyard just because, tea parties and baby dolls and painting our nails on the back porch. They remind me that our bond is growing, they show me we are connected, and I will treasure those moments always.
Watching you play and interact with your siblings is breathtaking. The adoration and curiosity is palpable when you are with them. The way you watch them and communicate with them reminds me that this is the very definition of family. Our bonds are still new and seemingly unbreakable, I pray that they stay that way. This kind of love is what all families should be made of.
The more I get to know you, the more I adore and admire who you are. Your bold and courageous spirit astounds me and I love the way you delight in every new thing in your world! Ever eager to learn new things and explore new ideas, I thrill at the thought of knowing who you are when you are grown. It makes me want to be more like you.

Can we be honest for a minute here?

This is not a happy post, by any means. And normally I would reserve such ramblings for my other blog.. but I just felt compelled to throw this out at the risk of vulnerability. So... yeah.

Sometimes, probably once a month, or maybe more like once a week.. well actually more like several times a day, I get overwhelmed.

The money, the kids, the marriage, the house, the thoughts, my brain.. I just want it to stop. I want it to STOP. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit.. What I wouldn't give to have a break, a day or two to not think about any of it, some time to just *breathe*. Relax and breathe, worry free.

And these are the moments when thoughts of suicide seep in. Like cold winter air leaking in under a doorway. You can stuff as many towels as you want against that little crack, but it still finds a way in. Yeah.. I said it. Suicide. But, I'm not that kind of girl. Suicide is selfish. And I care too much about my husband, my children, and my family and friends to do such a thing to them. No matter how many times that voice in my head whispers screams sneaks up on me, trying to convince me that I"m not good enough, that they'd all be better off without me, I won't believe it. Shut up. You're not real, and I'm not going to listen to you. And I fall apart a little more wishing I could make that part of me disappear, make it die. I want to die. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I want to make things right, I want to fix the broken things. But there's so many pieces scattered about that I don't know where to begin. I get overwhelmed. The more I look, the more I hunt for a solution, the more I pray and cry out to God, the more lost I feel. I grasp and cling to any shred of hope that comes along, but as soon as I do it dissolves in my hands, slipping through my fingers like water and tears. And I give up because it's too much. I want it to end. I can't do this anymore, you win. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I could spend my time wanting and wishing for better days, praying for things to change and throwing myself into any effort to work towards that goal. But for what? The more I push, the more I try, the farther and farther away that goal gets, the more it eludes me. And I'm tired. Further soon becomes forever and that distance quickly becomes more than a lifetime. A lifetime of frustration and missed moments and memories that should have been mine, that should have been happy. Is it worth it in the end? Is that what I want? No. I fight it. You can't take my happiness, dammit.. I will win. The fight is hard.. and I want to give up. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

I want joy in the simple things. Contentment in spite of the circumstances. We don't ask for much really.. Just time with the children to watch them grow, to teach them, to give them happy memories and positive examples. Not a childhood full of wishes. Wishes for parents who'd play more, who'd smile more, who weren't so crushed by the responsibility and obligation upon them that they're essentially unavailable. Parents who are shackled to mistakes they've made and can't find freedom from. And I fall apart a little more realizing I can't give my children these things and that voice is back, taunting me, You're no good, they'd be better off without you. But I won't listen. Go away. And as badly as I want to be free from all this, I'm not that kind of girl.

Life is out of control. It has been out of control for a long time, and I don't know how to fix it. The more we try to fix it, the more out of control it gets. And while some of the problems along the way were certainly due to our own irresponsibility, that amount pales in comparison to those that are just from 'bad luck'. I don't think that my life is horrible or miserable. It's not. Not at all. And compared to many, we are very rich.. we are privileged. But this isn't a game of comparison or who's better off than who.. It's simply a matter of feeling that my life is passing me by and so much of that feeling is born from something so much deeper than financial problems or having so many children to look after.. because it started so long ago. Can you hear me? Are you even listening? And I'm tired. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by. I don't like sitting on the bank of the river, watching it flow past me.. I want to jump in and swim. I want to swim without feeling like I might drown. I don't like where I'm sitting, it hurts, and I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not that kind of girl.

Why yes, I am depressed. Thanks for noticing.

Sometimes people seem to have it all together, but in reality they don't. So be careful little mouths, what you say. You don't know what is going on inside another person's mind, another person's heart. There may be a struggle going on so big and so deep that it is beyond your comprehension. And you may say something so small, but it might just be enough. I've had enough.. have you had enough yet? Some of us are very good at hiding our pain and keeping it secret. Why pollute other people's lives with unnecessary sorrow and heartache? It's bad enough we have to carry it, why should anyone else? I want to break free. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

Could I give it to God? Could I just let go and let Him carry my burdens? Yes, I can. Why do you think I'm still alive? How do you think I've made it this far? But it's hard. It's hard to trust Him when things don't ever seem to get better. Please, God. Don't give up on me. And some days? I just want to go outside and scream at the sky Where are You!? But I don't. Because this is life, and I'm living it. And I know where He is.. He's right here with me, carrying me when I'm too weak to stand.

I just wish I could stand on my own more often. I wish I didn't fall so much. Fall down. Fall apart. Fall into darkness.. You're so weak, you're no good. I want to silence the voices. You are so wrong, I won't listen. And I long for the light. But, I'm not that kind of girl. And thank God, for that.

BlogHer09 - saying goodbye.. and the loooong road home!

Sunday morning was the recovery breakfast in the same suite as CheeseburgHer. It was sponsored by Starbucks, so we went. Cause I loves me some Starbucks. We met up with Neil and Twentyfour there again and giggled over coffee and pastries.

Off to the lobby to bid many friends good bye and snap a few pictures.. then off to Starbucks for more coffee. (What? we had to drive 8hrs home that day!)

Not that we're in love with Schmutzie and Palinode or anything..
but we're totally in love with them.

Karl and Twentyfour and Nanny Goats and LizRiz joined us for more coffee. We had a great time swapping stories of the weekend's frivolities but were soon interrupted by a lunch invitation from Schmutzie and Palinode. Sadly, Aman and I needed to get ready to head out of town, so we weren't able to join.

Seriously. How lucky are we to chat over coffee with these people?

We went back to Karl's room, where we'd stashed our stuff, and then hopped in the rental van to go drop off Karl's room key and make a last minute stop at Trader Joe's. Beer, snacks, hummus.. heaven.

This is the floor the put Karl and Neil on. (aka, the porn star floor)

Why yes! Heaven does come in a four pack! Just not in Iowa. Aman's favorite beer.

On our walk back to the van, we ran across some lovely Canadian ladies who wanted to take a picture with us! We were flattered. We dropped our bags right there on the sidewalk and hopped the fence with glee. She even let us lick her.

She totally wasn't grossed out and didn't think we were weird at all..

Or did she??

Off on the road we went, driving the incredibly exciting 5 hours back to Keokuk to collect our midgets, then back on the road around 8:30 for the 3 hour drive home.. It was a little scary, but we made it. By the end of the weekend, I was so socially overwhelmed and anxious that I'd worked up a nice little migraine and was utterly exhausted. Not to mention the average 4-5hrs of sleep we got each night. So, needless to say, Aman's cargosleepy kicked in during that last hour of the trip.. The same hour that my headache got bad enough that I could barely stand to keep my eyes open and I'd started shaking. It was FUN. Especially when we got home at midnight, had to change diapers, and put the kids to bed. Yippee!!

But it was worth it.

The End.

BlogHer09 - a day late and a dollar short..

Why, yes.. I did go to BlogHer09!

Aman and I bought our tickets to BlogHer09 in Chicago back in February. He had some extra work lined up between then and July that was supposed to be wrapped up and paid up before our departure, so we had no worries.

Not exactly how things unfolded...

Once we realized we would indeed not be getting any checks for the work he's done over the past several months before going (or at least not any checks that were good.. *ahem*), we went ahead and sold his ticket. Luckily, my friend Father Muskrat had recently decided to attend as well and was looking for a ticket to trade up from his Lobbycon pass... and was also looking for a room. We made arrangements with him and he joined our room and exchanged his Lobbycon pass for Aman's weekend pass.

We were scheduled to pick up a rental vehicle to drive the kids down to my parents' in Keokuk and then go along our way to Chicago, because.. you know, we don't have a car. Which we're quite accustomed to now, and don't really mind much at all. We knew that we didn't have the full amount in the bank for the car, but normally rental places don't charge you for it until you return the vehicle.. Not the case this time.

We were unable to secure a vehicle.. and thus, our plans began to unravel. As we grasped desperately at the string and tried to keep things from dissolving completely, we announced on Twitter that I was now selling my ticket.. and perhaps also the Lobbycon pass. We figured, since we could get a van on Friday we'd at least drive over for the parties and the second half of the conference. Better late than never, right?

I sold my ticket to Danielle, the creator of the Celebrity Baby Blog and, in the end, decided to keep my Lobbycon pass so that I could at least catch a little of the conference and take advantage of the vendor access. Not that I did. But whatever.

We picked up the van as early as we could on Friday morning, with the help of Mr. Kelly (thanks, Mr Kelly!), and were on our way to Keokuk. Surprisingly, our trip to Keokuk was uneventful.. aside from having to convince the boys to pee on the side of the road because, HELLO, we're driving in Iowa and there's not that many truck stops or gas stations to be found. There are, however, a LOT of cornfields.. and bean fields.. and gravel for little boys to pee in.

I'm totally going to have to get some Go-Girls when my daughters are out of diapers.

And no, I did not get a Go-Girl at BlogHer. Apparently, I'm just. not. that. cool.

We dumped our kids at my parents' house around lunchtime, snuck out the back door, and grabbed some McDonald's on our way out of town. We were on our way to Chicago! Woohoo!!

I totally made the comment as we crossed the river into Illinois that "At least we'll be driving in Illinois now.. so we'll have more to see than endless cornfields!"

Right.

"Oh, look hon... another cornfield." Only Illinois is much flatter, so you don't get to see all the cool farmhouses and barns like you do in Iowa. Bummer.

We stopped in La Salle, which is about halfway between Iowa City and Chicago (and the majority of you are now saying.. 'um... okay. so?') at the Flying J truck stop (and if you're not from the Midwest, you probably have no idea what that is..), where my Vibram 5 Finger shoes were a huge hit. I mean, lady in the bathroom who stopped her husband in the hall and pointed at me and also everyone else in the checkout line hit. I don't even know if they noticed my hair, they were busy looking at my shoes. Heh.

We finally approached Chicago around 7pm. From a distance, it looked a little like Des Moines.. only bigger, taller, and a lot grayer.

Seriously, from that distance, you can see the Des Moines skyline clearly.

We drove around for a while.. you know because we got lost just for fun. And after circling our hotel like 3 times, Aman called them (because I was too chicken. I made him drive in a strange place AND get directions over the phone.. am awesome.) to figure out how the heck we were supposed to get to their front door. And, when we got to the front door? We turned around and drove off to find a parking garage to stow our vehicle in so that we could pay $30/24hrs instead of $52/24hrs. Yeah.

We lugged our luggage (cause that's what you're supposed to do with it.. duh.) up to our hotel room, and I may have peed my pants a little when I looked out the window.

"Okay, we saw Chicago. We can go home now, right?"

Aman sat down and pulled out the laptop, hoping to get online and figure out the who, what, where, and when for the evening.. Only the promised 'free wi-fi' didn't actually exist. It was even more mythical than unicorns.. but not as mythical as The Bloggess.

I love hotel beds.. so squishy and comfy. Forget parties! Let's nap..

So, we decided to hoof it over to the Sheraton across the street and see who we could find and what we could find out.. We ended up having dinner with these fine folks.. and then some.

I stole this from BJ Henry, and yes, Undomestic Diva is groping herself. Brittany and I just turned away and let her have at it..
More less than mythical creatures (Avitable, Backpackingdad, and Redneckmommy).. I totally forgot to have Redneckmommy sign my boob, but she did agree to. I'm totally going to take her up on it next time. Oh, and that's not so much a 'Hey there's a cool chick over there.' point as it is a 'Hey there's another camera pointed at us.' point. So there.

After dinner was the MamaPopRocks! party and it was promised to be magical. It was totally magical. Almost as magical as Joset from Halushki recognizing me at the door and giving me the go ahead without checking her list.. but not as magical as my shoes breaking on the way back to the Sheraton.

First stop? The liquid courage table.

Hello, Templeton Rye guy! Will you be my new best friend??

The party was big, sparkly, loud, and full of people that were made of awesome. I met so many rad bloggers that I've gotten to know over the past year or so that I was quite overwhelmed by the end of the night! Aman and I were quite humbled and honored to have several people come up to US and be excited to meet us! Trust me the feeling was mutual. People like BusyDad, and Palinode, and Schmutzie, and MsBanshee, and Miss Grace, and Angry Julie, and Neil, and.. I could go on and on.

And there was silliness.

Yes, they are on the phone with each other. What? it was loud!
I got licked. AND she let me touch that piece of awesomeness on her back. YES.
I told you.. this table? The place to be.

Also? we were too excited to get our camera under control. Yeah. Parties are not so great for taking awesome pictures.We did manage to get a few decent shots though..

Massacred unicorn rump..
She was kind enough to kiss me before licking me.
The elusive Muskrat dancing with Miss Britt.. seriously, you'd think we'd have seen more of each other since we were rooming together!
Becky, Childsplayx2, and BJHenry.. I promise, this isn't how the rumors started..
Awesome people boogie down.

But, everyone knows, that when the party is 'over' it's really just beginning. Several of us went over to the Chi-Bar in the hotel and shmoozed and boozed some more. It was awesome to hang out with Angry Julie, Lex, EmmieJ, and BJ some more. Totally cool people!

Californians seem to think we're pretty cool.

We made our way back to our room around 2am and crawled into bed, making note of the fact that apparently Muskrats are nocturnal or something.. Thus ending the first day of BlogHer.

TO BE CONTINUED...

My husband likes to try and embarrass me in front of famous people, but I don't care. EMERY!!!

So Aman and I finally had ourselves another date.. It. was. AWESOME.



He informed me a few days ago that Emery would be in town on Thursday, July 16. So after I did a happy dance all over the house, I sat down and asked my totally kick ass friend Lisa if she'd mind chillin' with my chillun's while we attend the show.. Wonderful friend that she is, she agreed.

In preparation for said concert, of course, we needed to dye my hair.. the purple had nearly faded out. So we grabbed what was left in the red and pink bottles and slathered up mah head..

I was quite pleased with the results!

Anywho...
We decided that it would make much more sense for me to bus downtown rather than have Aman drive back in forth in the car we borrowed for the evening.. So I gussied up at home after scrubbing toilets all day and headed off after having a beer with Lisa (thanks for BYOB, babe!! I love friends who share!).

I rode the bus downtown and waited at Starbucks for my sexy husband. He picked me up a few minutes before doors were set to open and we stopped by the local Dahl's to grab some dinner and Red Bull before the show. Having done that, we headed over to the House Of Bricks in time to catch the last couple songs from Kiros' set. They were awesome enough for us to gladly buy a cd and t-shirt (for Aidan) and chat with the a couple of the guys for a bit while getting the cd signed. Stupidly? We did not get a pic with them. Bummer.

Next up was Secret and Whisper, a band we've listened to before and really enjoyed. They were awesome but the sound guy was not. Eek. (Hey, sound guy? You're supposed to be able to hear the vocals too.. not just blaring guitars! Ouch!) Still. Awesome enough for us to get a shirt, have it signed and take a pic with some very stinky band members (okay.. only one was really stinky.. and he made a big deal about it. but i had two older brothers and now have 3 boys.. I've smelled worse.).

Up next was Closure in Moscow.. We missed about half their set because we made a quick trip out to the car to put away some cd's and shirts. There were so many bands that each only played for about 20min. They sounded pretty cool though, from what we heard.

Then one of Aman's favorite bands was up, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. The crowd finally woke up at that point (audience was kind of lame for the first few bands..), and finally managed to get rowdy and get into the show. It was awesome. Maylene did not disappoint and rocked hard. Again, I'm spoiled. T-shirt, signed, picture!

Aman told them to 'look mean'.

And then it was time for Emery. Aman is an awesome person to go to concerts with! He's big, he's tall, he can easily maneuver his way to the front of the crowd and all I have to do is hold on to him and follow close enough to not get separated. A very valuable date for someone my size.. I felt so small in that crowd! Of course, it didn't help that it was a predominantly male crowd so like 95% of the people there were at least 4 inches taller than me! We squeezed our way up to about 4-5' from the stage and he asked if I wanted to get closer.. I was afraid I might wet myself if I got any closer, so I declined. (And then a tall dude stood square in front of me.. awesome.)

Thank heavens, Emery had their own sound person. So their set sounded *much* better. They totally kicked ass, as I expected they would. Played a few old songs and a few new.. but were short on time thanks to a curfew in Des Moines that mandated they be finished by 9pm. (wah!!!) I already got an Emery shirt with their new cd, so I got pics with them instead.. all but the drummer. And it was just lovely getting cozy with a couple sweaty singers after Aman announced to them that I have a crush on both of them. He's cool like that.

After the show, we were happy to wait a few minutes to get all these lovely pictures with sweaty men and have some shirts signed.. then we walked a couple blocks back to the car. Aman pressed the remote button to unlock the doors and nothing happened. Apparently, he'd left the lights on and the battery died! AWESOME. He walked back up to the venue and asked around, quickly finding someone willing to give a jump. So we waited at the car for close to 10min and they never showed.. Bummer. We locked the doors and went back up the street together and quickly found another person who had jumper cables. SCORE. This person was kind enough to come back with us and give us a jump right away, so we managed to make it home safely. (Got jumped by Dan.. Thanks, Dan!)


Thank you to all the bands who came to the show in Des Moines, you all did fantastic! We enjoyed the concert and hope you all come again.

Photos and videos courtesy of Aman. Vehicle courtesy of Mr. Kelly. Babysitting brought to you by Lisa. Battery juice complements of Dan. Thank you!

New Kicks!

Hey! It's my 200th post! To celebrate, I'm showing off my new Vibram 5 Finger shoes. I thought about just posting a picture of them.. like this..

But then I thought, 'Why not show them in action?' So, here is a quick video for you. Don't laugh.. too much. I'm wearing Aman's hat because 1) it's raining and 2) I'm having a bad hair day. Shut up.

There ya go. Feel free to make fun of me. I have flat wide feet. It is so hard to find shoes that fit without pinching somewhere and/or giving me blisters. I am so glad to have found these (thank you Jess!). I bought the gray pair at a store in West Des Moines and wore them out of the store to do our shopping. I'm looking forward to ordering a black pair of KSOs, but if any of you would like to send me some, I'd gladly post another video of me walking around in them just for you. Because I'm generous like that.

************************************************************
In other news, I have some awards to show off! Let's get started..

This first bit of awesomeness is from Lisa at Unfiltered Insanity. If you haven't read her blog yet, go check it out. Aman is in the process of designing it, it should be done soon.. I think.






Next up I have a fabulous award that I am most humbled and honored to receive from Kat at the 3 Bedroom Bungalow. Kat and I totally need to get togeter and knock back a few. We've had so much fun getting to know each other online and can't wait to meet in real life.

And last, but most certainly not least! Another from Lisa. She created this bad boy herself to celebrate the unveiling of her new blog design! Check her out, if you like her blog, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you slapped this puppy up on your own page to link back to her.


I'm feeling stingy today.. after putting my mug on video for y'all. So I'm just gonna leave it at that. For you loyal readers of mine, feel free to grab an award for your own blog. I love you all, and you are what make this place worth while!

One last piece of business for the day: I have been contacted by Jump Start and asked to review their new online world and some of their software. I thought it sounded like a great idea since so many of you are parents as well and could benefit from this. With summer break upon us, who doesn't want some educational software to keep the kids busy, entertained, and learning? My midgets are certainly excited about checking it out. When I post the review, I will also have a giveaway for you all to enter, so stay tuned!

Peace.

Poetry Thursday

Ladybugs

Ladybugs, ladybugs everywhere,
ladybugs landing in my hair.
Float and flutter
swirl and swish..
Don't land there!
Uh-oh,
squish.