Can we be honest for a minute here?

This is not a happy post, by any means. And normally I would reserve such ramblings for my other blog.. but I just felt compelled to throw this out at the risk of vulnerability. So... yeah.

Sometimes, probably once a month, or maybe more like once a week.. well actually more like several times a day, I get overwhelmed.

The money, the kids, the marriage, the house, the thoughts, my brain.. I just want it to stop. I want it to STOP. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit.. What I wouldn't give to have a break, a day or two to not think about any of it, some time to just *breathe*. Relax and breathe, worry free.

And these are the moments when thoughts of suicide seep in. Like cold winter air leaking in under a doorway. You can stuff as many towels as you want against that little crack, but it still finds a way in. Yeah.. I said it. Suicide. But, I'm not that kind of girl. Suicide is selfish. And I care too much about my husband, my children, and my family and friends to do such a thing to them. No matter how many times that voice in my head whispers screams sneaks up on me, trying to convince me that I"m not good enough, that they'd all be better off without me, I won't believe it. Shut up. You're not real, and I'm not going to listen to you. And I fall apart a little more wishing I could make that part of me disappear, make it die. I want to die. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I want to make things right, I want to fix the broken things. But there's so many pieces scattered about that I don't know where to begin. I get overwhelmed. The more I look, the more I hunt for a solution, the more I pray and cry out to God, the more lost I feel. I grasp and cling to any shred of hope that comes along, but as soon as I do it dissolves in my hands, slipping through my fingers like water and tears. And I give up because it's too much. I want it to end. I can't do this anymore, you win. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I could spend my time wanting and wishing for better days, praying for things to change and throwing myself into any effort to work towards that goal. But for what? The more I push, the more I try, the farther and farther away that goal gets, the more it eludes me. And I'm tired. Further soon becomes forever and that distance quickly becomes more than a lifetime. A lifetime of frustration and missed moments and memories that should have been mine, that should have been happy. Is it worth it in the end? Is that what I want? No. I fight it. You can't take my happiness, dammit.. I will win. The fight is hard.. and I want to give up. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

I want joy in the simple things. Contentment in spite of the circumstances. We don't ask for much really.. Just time with the children to watch them grow, to teach them, to give them happy memories and positive examples. Not a childhood full of wishes. Wishes for parents who'd play more, who'd smile more, who weren't so crushed by the responsibility and obligation upon them that they're essentially unavailable. Parents who are shackled to mistakes they've made and can't find freedom from. And I fall apart a little more realizing I can't give my children these things and that voice is back, taunting me, You're no good, they'd be better off without you. But I won't listen. Go away. And as badly as I want to be free from all this, I'm not that kind of girl.

Life is out of control. It has been out of control for a long time, and I don't know how to fix it. The more we try to fix it, the more out of control it gets. And while some of the problems along the way were certainly due to our own irresponsibility, that amount pales in comparison to those that are just from 'bad luck'. I don't think that my life is horrible or miserable. It's not. Not at all. And compared to many, we are very rich.. we are privileged. But this isn't a game of comparison or who's better off than who.. It's simply a matter of feeling that my life is passing me by and so much of that feeling is born from something so much deeper than financial problems or having so many children to look after.. because it started so long ago. Can you hear me? Are you even listening? And I'm tired. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by. I don't like sitting on the bank of the river, watching it flow past me.. I want to jump in and swim. I want to swim without feeling like I might drown. I don't like where I'm sitting, it hurts, and I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not that kind of girl.

Why yes, I am depressed. Thanks for noticing.

Sometimes people seem to have it all together, but in reality they don't. So be careful little mouths, what you say. You don't know what is going on inside another person's mind, another person's heart. There may be a struggle going on so big and so deep that it is beyond your comprehension. And you may say something so small, but it might just be enough. I've had enough.. have you had enough yet? Some of us are very good at hiding our pain and keeping it secret. Why pollute other people's lives with unnecessary sorrow and heartache? It's bad enough we have to carry it, why should anyone else? I want to break free. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

Could I give it to God? Could I just let go and let Him carry my burdens? Yes, I can. Why do you think I'm still alive? How do you think I've made it this far? But it's hard. It's hard to trust Him when things don't ever seem to get better. Please, God. Don't give up on me. And some days? I just want to go outside and scream at the sky Where are You!? But I don't. Because this is life, and I'm living it. And I know where He is.. He's right here with me, carrying me when I'm too weak to stand.

I just wish I could stand on my own more often. I wish I didn't fall so much. Fall down. Fall apart. Fall into darkness.. You're so weak, you're no good. I want to silence the voices. You are so wrong, I won't listen. And I long for the light. But, I'm not that kind of girl. And thank God, for that.

BlogHer09 - saying goodbye.. and the loooong road home!

Sunday morning was the recovery breakfast in the same suite as CheeseburgHer. It was sponsored by Starbucks, so we went. Cause I loves me some Starbucks. We met up with Neil and Twentyfour there again and giggled over coffee and pastries.

Off to the lobby to bid many friends good bye and snap a few pictures.. then off to Starbucks for more coffee. (What? we had to drive 8hrs home that day!)

Not that we're in love with Schmutzie and Palinode or anything..
but we're totally in love with them.

Karl and Twentyfour and Nanny Goats and LizRiz joined us for more coffee. We had a great time swapping stories of the weekend's frivolities but were soon interrupted by a lunch invitation from Schmutzie and Palinode. Sadly, Aman and I needed to get ready to head out of town, so we weren't able to join.

Seriously. How lucky are we to chat over coffee with these people?

We went back to Karl's room, where we'd stashed our stuff, and then hopped in the rental van to go drop off Karl's room key and make a last minute stop at Trader Joe's. Beer, snacks, hummus.. heaven.

This is the floor the put Karl and Neil on. (aka, the porn star floor)

Why yes! Heaven does come in a four pack! Just not in Iowa. Aman's favorite beer.

On our walk back to the van, we ran across some lovely Canadian ladies who wanted to take a picture with us! We were flattered. We dropped our bags right there on the sidewalk and hopped the fence with glee. She even let us lick her.

She totally wasn't grossed out and didn't think we were weird at all..

Or did she??

Off on the road we went, driving the incredibly exciting 5 hours back to Keokuk to collect our midgets, then back on the road around 8:30 for the 3 hour drive home.. It was a little scary, but we made it. By the end of the weekend, I was so socially overwhelmed and anxious that I'd worked up a nice little migraine and was utterly exhausted. Not to mention the average 4-5hrs of sleep we got each night. So, needless to say, Aman's cargosleepy kicked in during that last hour of the trip.. The same hour that my headache got bad enough that I could barely stand to keep my eyes open and I'd started shaking. It was FUN. Especially when we got home at midnight, had to change diapers, and put the kids to bed. Yippee!!

But it was worth it.

The End.

BlogHer09 - Wieners and boobs and burgers, oh my!

Saturday morning we got up. We brushed our teeth with a Muskrat.

Good dental hygiene is important at such events!

We didn't have the snazzy free breakfast since we sold our tickets.. so we had to fend for ourselves. Dunkin Donuts it is!

The coffee was way hot.. the food was burnt.. AWESOME.

We made our way to the registration station so that Aman could transfer his Lobbycon ticket to my name. We went to the table outside the Chi-Bar, where Lobbycon was taking place, and they told us we needed to go to the main registration table upstairs. So we did. And they sent us back. It was rad.

So, he got his ticket transferred, kissed me goodbye, and trotted off into the Windy City while I got cozy with a leather love seat.

Lobbycon was awesome. Okay. Not really. I actually took the time to pull out my phone and send a message to Twitter stating that Lobbycon was so exciting I was having a really easy time staying awake and wasn't tempted at all to take a nap.

That's not the leather love seat.. that's me staring at the schedule. Which I did so awesomely that babyjidesign.com wanted to take my picture!

So after my snooze, I got up and wandered around, went pee (in the bathroom! sheesh..), rode up and down the escalators, texted Aman, stared at the schedule... It was all very exciting. Then I decided to to walk through the vendor's room or whatever they call the room with the big shiny things and people giving you free shit. I did my best to walk fast and not make eye-contact, only getting distracted by the laundry fairies at the ALL booth.. what? they had chocolate!

It was nearly lunch time by then, so I went up to wait for Aman in the lobby.

Everyone seemed to be busy with... stuff. So we went back to the hotel room for a bit and then wandered down to the Navy Pier for lunch.

We were tourists.. and stuff.

We have a place here in Des Moines where we like to get 'Chicago Dogs'. They are tasty. So we thought, why not get a real Chicago dog? Well, the Navy Pier probably wasn't the best place to get one.. being a big tourist attraction and all.. but we gave it a shot. And they weren't bad at all. I, of course, did not get a Chicago dog, I got a New York dog. But, whatever.

We did not get our hot dogs here.
I have my own Wiener Man, thankyouverymuch..
Lunch! They had curly fries. Yum.
Boobs and wieners. A match made in heaven.. or Chicago anyway.
and, yes, my boobs weren't the only nice thing to look at.

After lunch, we headed back to the hotel again and Aman showed me what he had been up to. Despite what BJHenry had told me, he was not out 'wife shopping' but rather 'shopping for his wife'. Not that it caused any confusion or anything.. *ahem*. My wonderful husband had spent his morning finding me a dress and shoes and tops and such.. just because. Well.. mostly because he couldn't find himself some shoes, but I suppose I'll forgive him. Leaving behind anything we didn't need, we headed back over to the Sheraton to see if we could fine our dear friend TwentyFourAtHeart who we'd been missing thus far and hoping to meet soon. No dice. Instead, we sat on a love seat in the rather crowded lobby and I tried to make myself disappear into my husband's chest. I was socially overwhelmed by this point and ready to go back to our room and crawl under the covers (or into the little fridge full of liquor.. but whatever.). But, Neil from Citizen of the Month would be having his session soon and Aman promised to help me sneak in.

I didn't have to sneak in. Along came Mary Anne, the Stiletto Mom and she let me borrow her badge so I could attend.. and as soon as she handed it to me? NakedJen stripped. It was awesome.. and akward. But that's okay.

I enjoyed Neil's session very much.. especially since I finally found TwentyFour there. I also had the pleasure of running into this nice fellow again and getting a picture together!

Have you met my new friend Karl? Because he is awesome!

Then it was time for the closing keynote.. We went back to the hotel to change for dinner and decided to just go back and chill in the lobby until it was time to head off to eat. This plan actually worked quite well. We even went to the cocktail party for a little bit.. but mostly to collect Neil for dinner.

Not that we ate Neil for dinner.. But rather he joined us, and TwentyFour, for dinner. Yeah.

Dinner Saturday was one of the best parts of our weekend. Despite the fact that we headed off in search of pizza and ended up with pasta, it was nice to get out with just these two good friends and not have the hustle and bustle of the crowds and shmoozing around us. It was so enjoyable, in fact, that we were quite late for BowlHer and decided to fore go it in favor of CheeseburgHer. Are you confused yet? Yeah. Well, we were just a little bummed that Aman and a few other of our tweeps didn't get to have PokeHer this year. For real.

And CheeseburgHer? Was like this..

Like... literally.

I did manage to meet Amy from TasteLikeCrazy before hand, another person we'd managed to miss most of the weekend, so that was awesome. But we stayed at the party just long enough to grab some wine and then made our way down and out to the patio along the river.

A very nice night to walk along the river.
Especially since I got to do so with TwentyFour.

We spent some more time in the Chi-Bar that night, since that's just what you do there apparently. Lots of laughs with awesome people and plenty of drinks to go around. Again, we headed back to our hotel around 2am.. without Mr. Muskrat..

TO BE CONTINUED...

BlogHer09 - a day late and a dollar short..

Why, yes.. I did go to BlogHer09!

Aman and I bought our tickets to BlogHer09 in Chicago back in February. He had some extra work lined up between then and July that was supposed to be wrapped up and paid up before our departure, so we had no worries.

Not exactly how things unfolded...

Once we realized we would indeed not be getting any checks for the work he's done over the past several months before going (or at least not any checks that were good.. *ahem*), we went ahead and sold his ticket. Luckily, my friend Father Muskrat had recently decided to attend as well and was looking for a ticket to trade up from his Lobbycon pass... and was also looking for a room. We made arrangements with him and he joined our room and exchanged his Lobbycon pass for Aman's weekend pass.

We were scheduled to pick up a rental vehicle to drive the kids down to my parents' in Keokuk and then go along our way to Chicago, because.. you know, we don't have a car. Which we're quite accustomed to now, and don't really mind much at all. We knew that we didn't have the full amount in the bank for the car, but normally rental places don't charge you for it until you return the vehicle.. Not the case this time.

We were unable to secure a vehicle.. and thus, our plans began to unravel. As we grasped desperately at the string and tried to keep things from dissolving completely, we announced on Twitter that I was now selling my ticket.. and perhaps also the Lobbycon pass. We figured, since we could get a van on Friday we'd at least drive over for the parties and the second half of the conference. Better late than never, right?

I sold my ticket to Danielle, the creator of the Celebrity Baby Blog and, in the end, decided to keep my Lobbycon pass so that I could at least catch a little of the conference and take advantage of the vendor access. Not that I did. But whatever.

We picked up the van as early as we could on Friday morning, with the help of Mr. Kelly (thanks, Mr Kelly!), and were on our way to Keokuk. Surprisingly, our trip to Keokuk was uneventful.. aside from having to convince the boys to pee on the side of the road because, HELLO, we're driving in Iowa and there's not that many truck stops or gas stations to be found. There are, however, a LOT of cornfields.. and bean fields.. and gravel for little boys to pee in.

I'm totally going to have to get some Go-Girls when my daughters are out of diapers.

And no, I did not get a Go-Girl at BlogHer. Apparently, I'm just. not. that. cool.

We dumped our kids at my parents' house around lunchtime, snuck out the back door, and grabbed some McDonald's on our way out of town. We were on our way to Chicago! Woohoo!!

I totally made the comment as we crossed the river into Illinois that "At least we'll be driving in Illinois now.. so we'll have more to see than endless cornfields!"

Right.

"Oh, look hon... another cornfield." Only Illinois is much flatter, so you don't get to see all the cool farmhouses and barns like you do in Iowa. Bummer.

We stopped in La Salle, which is about halfway between Iowa City and Chicago (and the majority of you are now saying.. 'um... okay. so?') at the Flying J truck stop (and if you're not from the Midwest, you probably have no idea what that is..), where my Vibram 5 Finger shoes were a huge hit. I mean, lady in the bathroom who stopped her husband in the hall and pointed at me and also everyone else in the checkout line hit. I don't even know if they noticed my hair, they were busy looking at my shoes. Heh.

We finally approached Chicago around 7pm. From a distance, it looked a little like Des Moines.. only bigger, taller, and a lot grayer.

Seriously, from that distance, you can see the Des Moines skyline clearly.

We drove around for a while.. you know because we got lost just for fun. And after circling our hotel like 3 times, Aman called them (because I was too chicken. I made him drive in a strange place AND get directions over the phone.. am awesome.) to figure out how the heck we were supposed to get to their front door. And, when we got to the front door? We turned around and drove off to find a parking garage to stow our vehicle in so that we could pay $30/24hrs instead of $52/24hrs. Yeah.

We lugged our luggage (cause that's what you're supposed to do with it.. duh.) up to our hotel room, and I may have peed my pants a little when I looked out the window.

"Okay, we saw Chicago. We can go home now, right?"

Aman sat down and pulled out the laptop, hoping to get online and figure out the who, what, where, and when for the evening.. Only the promised 'free wi-fi' didn't actually exist. It was even more mythical than unicorns.. but not as mythical as The Bloggess.

I love hotel beds.. so squishy and comfy. Forget parties! Let's nap..

So, we decided to hoof it over to the Sheraton across the street and see who we could find and what we could find out.. We ended up having dinner with these fine folks.. and then some.

I stole this from BJ Henry, and yes, Undomestic Diva is groping herself. Brittany and I just turned away and let her have at it..
More less than mythical creatures (Avitable, Backpackingdad, and Redneckmommy).. I totally forgot to have Redneckmommy sign my boob, but she did agree to. I'm totally going to take her up on it next time. Oh, and that's not so much a 'Hey there's a cool chick over there.' point as it is a 'Hey there's another camera pointed at us.' point. So there.

After dinner was the MamaPopRocks! party and it was promised to be magical. It was totally magical. Almost as magical as Joset from Halushki recognizing me at the door and giving me the go ahead without checking her list.. but not as magical as my shoes breaking on the way back to the Sheraton.

First stop? The liquid courage table.

Hello, Templeton Rye guy! Will you be my new best friend??

The party was big, sparkly, loud, and full of people that were made of awesome. I met so many rad bloggers that I've gotten to know over the past year or so that I was quite overwhelmed by the end of the night! Aman and I were quite humbled and honored to have several people come up to US and be excited to meet us! Trust me the feeling was mutual. People like BusyDad, and Palinode, and Schmutzie, and MsBanshee, and Miss Grace, and Angry Julie, and Neil, and.. I could go on and on.

And there was silliness.

Yes, they are on the phone with each other. What? it was loud!
I got licked. AND she let me touch that piece of awesomeness on her back. YES.
I told you.. this table? The place to be.

Also? we were too excited to get our camera under control. Yeah. Parties are not so great for taking awesome pictures.We did manage to get a few decent shots though..

Massacred unicorn rump..
She was kind enough to kiss me before licking me.
The elusive Muskrat dancing with Miss Britt.. seriously, you'd think we'd have seen more of each other since we were rooming together!
Becky, Childsplayx2, and BJHenry.. I promise, this isn't how the rumors started..
Awesome people boogie down.

But, everyone knows, that when the party is 'over' it's really just beginning. Several of us went over to the Chi-Bar in the hotel and shmoozed and boozed some more. It was awesome to hang out with Angry Julie, Lex, EmmieJ, and BJ some more. Totally cool people!

Californians seem to think we're pretty cool.

We made our way back to our room around 2am and crawled into bed, making note of the fact that apparently Muskrats are nocturnal or something.. Thus ending the first day of BlogHer.

TO BE CONTINUED...

10 years ago today...

I got hitched.

Prom-a-palooza! It's Dancy-Dance Time!

NO, I did NOT forget that today was Bloggy Prom! And NO, I did NOT go running through my house hunting desperately for the Senior Ball pictures that I had intended to have scanned and ready to go by last night at the latest once I saw Pamela's tweet announcing that she had her prom post up..

Yes, I did go with Aman. Yes, we were high school sweet hearts. Yes, I really was that tiny and skinny. Yes, he really was a bean pole. Yes, our dance was only about 13 months before our wedding day. And, no, I did not have any trouble telling our prom and wedding pictures apart.. Duh. I didn't wear a veil to prom, I wore a tiara. And duh. I didn't wear blue in my wedding, I wore white.

Better late than never, right? Besides, I'm pretty sure we were late to our prom too.. so it's all good. (There's actually a pretty funny story about that.. I should have Aman put it on his blog..)

So, here they are. Enjoy.

The pre-game show...

I wasn't snobby. Just shy.

I'm pretty sure we only talk to like one of all those people now.. (Hi Evan!)

All together now... 'Awwwwe!'

And the formal shots.. Isn't he handsome?? Such a gentleman in his penguin suit! *Sigh..*


Trust me, we look way more elegant and sophisticated than we were/are. Still, we had a fun night.. at least, I did. And I wasn't boring enough for him to dump me afterward, so that's good. Heh.

Tacos + Beer = Wii Fit

Last week, we made tacos. Not your 'Taco Bell box' tacos, but real tacos. And when I say 'we' I mean J. I just sit in the kitchen, watch him, drink beer, and look cute. I might even flash him a boob now and then when the kids aren't looking. What? You want good food? Entertain your chef.

Here's what was left after serving all the children and having a couple ourselves.. mmm. mmm. We finished them off today at lunch time. I would have cried, but I know my husband will make more.

Goes nicely with beans and a bag of Dole's Southwest Salad mix (our kids' favorite).

and of course, beer.

So, the husband is quite the stud. Have I mentioned that? Not only does he make a mean taco, he also can make a kick ass website. And? he's athletic too. What more can a girl ask for, right? He has taken advantage of several of the amenities at his place of business, such as: core training class, weight room, and free Taekwondo (spellcheck thinks I'm trying to spell Wonderbra..) classes. He also does soccer outside of work. His soccer career did not begin in his childhood, or even his teens for that matter. No, he started playing soccer when our second born (Kieran, for those of you playing along at home..) was just a wee bairn. Over the years, he's played off and on.. starting his own groups with church friends, playing in pick-up leagues and various indoor venues. He is currently playing indoor soccer.. or, more specifically 'futsol' (I really have NO idea how you spell that..).. or something like that. Anyway, for the first time in all his years playing, I (his lovely wife) actually graced the field with my presence (in other words: he was brave enough to let me and the little 'uns tag along to his game). It was lots of fun. And I even got to watch some of the game! That's him.. in the goal. No, he's not the ball.. He's the big, burly, bearded one with the mad ball blocking skills.

Yes, they did indeed win their game. And only one ball got past my studly man, thankyouverymuch.

So, being that I hate to be shown up, I've decided to get my flabby ass off the couch again and try to shed that last few baby pounds/winter coat. My weapon of choice? Wii Fit. Now, I've actually proven myself before with the Wii Fit.. but well.. we were using a projector (after abandoning our television) last summer/fall and the bulb burned out.. So, I was left hanging. (Don't worry, the kids didn't miss out on their cartoons.. we have an HP media PC which we run our cable tv through.) But, good news folks! We have a replacement projector on the way (one with much cheaper replacement lamps!), and I will no longer have an excuse for my flabbiness!

So, if I'm not around much in the future.. I'm busy trying not to fall off the Wii Fit board.. and if I'm around more than usual.. it means I'm washing away my feelings of defeat with a big tub of ice cream.. or something.

In the effort of full disclosure, I will try to get over my concern about scaring you all away and attempt to post a *gulp* 'before' picture.. or not.