Saturday, December 20, 2008

A series of unfortunate discoveries..

We have cats. Currently? We have five cats.

Kelly: 9 years old
Olivia: 3.5 years old
Gizmo: 6 months old
Kittens 1&2: 2 weeks old (like furry turds..)

Kelly, bless her heart, is a wonderful feline companion. While she does have the typical (though no less irritating) habit of scratching on things around the house, we have no other behavioral issues with her.

Olivia is a queen. That means 'fertile cat'.. or more specifically 'mother cat'. She lives up to the title. She has always been a tad picky about her.. um.. potty habits. She seems to prefer piles of dirty (well, at least it's not clean..) laundry or an empty sink as her designated tinkle spot. Poop? Goes in the litter box (or so we thought..). We do our best to keep laundry inaccessible and bathroom doors open, and manage to get along fine.

Enter Gizmo (via Olivia). Olivia was apparently quite lazy about potty training her little man. We battled with him for several weeks, throwing little litter boxes in all corners of the house to keep him from relieving himself on the carpet/wood floors. He didn't really care where he did his business.. as long as it was somewhere he wasn't supposed to. He's nearly cured... but is known for the occasional moment of confusion.

I posted some time ago about our other 'pets'.. and, well.. let's just say we've found the source.

Our basement went unused this summer, mostly due to the fact that we moved J's office up to the attic during The Great Room Rotation that had resulted from our discovering the fact that the attic toilet had been dripping for like.. a year.. and we had to move the boys down to a second floor bedroom so we could make repairs (after apologizing to them repeatedly for constantly yelling at them for playing in the bathroom sink and completely soaking the floor.. oops.).

Then we discovered a lovely crack along the basement floor during the Great Flood of 08 here in Iowa. Thank goodness we live up on a hill, we might have floated away. Our ship took on water, but not an unmanageable amount.. just ruined a few stray toys and an old comforter that had been folded up against the center wall to give us a comfy spot to huddle when we'd have an oh-my-gosh-run-for-cover tornado warning.

So one morning, J was digging in the dryer for clean unders.. and heard a kitty scratch-scratching in the basement. He turned and looked to find one of our feline friends doing a post potty dance in a corner of the basement. Upon further investigation, J discovered a couple of festering piles of cat doodie. Lovely. Well, that explains the flies, doesn't it!

So why are they still hanging about??

J did his best to scoop the shit from the doodie box between the washer and the basement stairs.. while KJ and I worked feverishly day and night to keep the many others scattered about the house turd free as well. Strangely, the job got easier and easier for J.. as for some reason the cats didn't seem to be using the box by the basement stairs much. Sure, they were using the others but.. sniff sniff It sure smelled like they were using that one.. Where was the smell coming from???

J grabbed his trusty flashlight one morning after breakfast, and (despite his fear of mild annoyance with the many spiders in our basement) he ducked around the corner and peered under the basement stairs and..

Holy mountains of cat crap Batman!

He made the rather shit-tastic discovery of Mont Chat Merde. He stomped his way up the stairs kicking lovingly greeting any of our lovely feline friends along the way, and came back to the dining room with a rather strained smile on his face. He motioned for me to join him in the kitchen, where he informed me of his most recent, and rather unfortunate, discovery. I went and took a look for myself, not understanding why he'd suggested 'we may need a new snow shovel' when we were done..

"Yeah, exactly." he said. "We're going to need to get some masks or something."
"Yeah, I don't want to breathe in that crap.." I stifled a giggle.. he said 'crap'.
"I guess.."
"We don't know what's growing in there.. There's probably mold.. and maggots.." he pondered as he swatted thirty-seventy-nine flies away from his face.. "Hell, there could be.. there could be shit spiders!"
"Shit spiders?"
"Yeah, you know.. the big, hairy brown ones, that live in shit. And eat shit. And spin shit webs. And when they bite you, you turn into a shit zombie!"
"A shit zombie??"
"Yeah.. and trust me.. you don't want to meet up with one of those."
"I don't know.. maybe if we had a couple around we wouldn't have to clean so many dang litter boxes.."

So yeah.. I'll talk to y'all later.. We're off to the man store Lowe's to get some masks.. and hazmat suits.. and a new snow shovel. (And then to the grocery store to get some soy sauce to put on the cat stir fry...)

Gizmo, Kelly, Olivia
mmmm.. kitties... YUM.


LaBresh said...

Yes there are such things as poop zombies

Pamela said...

Mont Chat Merde.

That, my friend, is the line of the week.

Irish Gumbo said...

You said 'crap'. And 'doodie'. HuhHuh. You aren't shittin' us are you? This story isn't a load of bull?

I'm with Pamela: Mont Chat Merde is a classic! I think it's in the same mountain range as 'Tete du Merde'.

Captain Dumbass said...

Cats are evil. Sorry. They just are.

Nice use of French.

Kat said...

The cats would have been sleepin with the fishes if my husband had found anything like that!

ChurchPunkMom said...

Sadly, no.. it's not a load of bull.. perhaps slightly exaggerated.. but there really was a secret stash of feline feces under the basement stairs.. Ew.

Oh, and the conversation with J? Almost word for word.

Yes, IG, I believe Tete du Merde is not far from Mont Chat Merde.. it's located on our second floor.. not far from Mount WashMore..

Kat: I'm surprised our cats have lasted this long...

AravisGirl said...

LOL that's terrible!

Sounds like something my sister's cat would do if she had the place to... Does she?!?!?!??!

Mama Dawg said...

OMG. I feel sooooo sorry for you. I thought it was bad that my dog ate cat shit.

ChurchPunkMom said...

I wish my dog was still around.. she ate cat shit too. heh heh.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Well, the cats look HAPPY. But (butt?) - gross! And nothing would freak me out more than the possibility of shit spiders! Yikes!

tara said...

i'm with captain dumbass. (sorry.)

Joy! said...

Urgh! I think my cats would be deaf from my screaming if I caught them doing this. Mine are good with the litter box but have *other* neurotic obsessions that sometimes lead to screaming. I know, I know; I'm a bad mother. Wishing you good luck and a quick resolution with the Haz-Mat removal!

Home Contests About Me Awards Writings Contact