Sometimes, probably once a month, or maybe more like once a week.. well actually more like several times a day, I get overwhelmed.
The money, the kids, the marriage, the house, the thoughts, my brain.. I just want it to stop. I want it to STOP. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit.. What I wouldn't give to have a break, a day or two to not think about any of it, some time to just *breathe*. Relax and breathe, worry free.
And these are the moments when thoughts of suicide seep in. Like cold winter air leaking in under a doorway. You can stuff as many towels as you want against that little crack, but it still finds a way in. Yeah.. I said it. Suicide. But, I'm not that kind of girl. Suicide is selfish. And I care too much about my husband, my children, and my family and friends to do such a thing to them. No matter how many times that voice in my head
I want to make things right, I want to fix the broken things. But there's so many pieces scattered about that I don't know where to begin. I get overwhelmed. The more I look, the more I hunt for a solution, the more I pray and cry out to God, the more lost I feel. I grasp and cling to any shred of hope that comes along, but as soon as I do it dissolves in my hands, slipping through my fingers like water and tears. And I give up because it's too much. I want it to end. I can't do this anymore, you win. But I'm not that kind of girl.
I could spend my time wanting and wishing for better days, praying for things to change and throwing myself into any effort to work towards that goal. But for what? The more I push, the more I try, the farther and farther away that goal gets, the more it eludes me. And I'm tired. Further soon becomes forever and that distance quickly becomes more than a lifetime. A lifetime of frustration and missed moments and memories that should have been mine, that should have been happy. Is it worth it in the end? Is that what I want? No. I fight it. You can't take my happiness, dammit.. I will win. The fight is hard.. and I want to give up. But, I'm not that kind of girl.
I want joy in the simple things. Contentment in spite of the circumstances. We don't ask for much really.. Just time with the children to watch them grow, to teach them, to give them happy memories and positive examples. Not a childhood full of wishes. Wishes for parents who'd play more, who'd smile more, who weren't so crushed by the responsibility and obligation upon them that they're essentially unavailable. Parents who are shackled to mistakes they've made and can't find freedom from. And I fall apart a little more realizing I can't give my children these things and that voice is back, taunting me, You're no good, they'd be better off without you. But I won't listen. Go away. And as badly as I want to be free from all this, I'm not that kind of girl.
Life is out of control. It has been out of control for a long time, and I don't know how to fix it. The more we try to fix it, the more out of control it gets. And while some of the problems along the way were certainly due to our own irresponsibility, that amount pales in comparison to those that are just from 'bad luck'. I don't think that my life is horrible or miserable. It's not. Not at all. And compared to many, we are very rich.. we are privileged. But this isn't a game of comparison or who's better off than who.. It's simply a matter of feeling that my life is passing me by and so much of that feeling is born from something so much deeper than financial problems or having so many children to look after.. because it started so long ago. Can you hear me? Are you even listening? And I'm tired. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by. I don't like sitting on the bank of the river, watching it flow past me.. I want to jump in and swim. I want to swim without feeling like I might drown. I don't like where I'm sitting, it hurts, and I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not that kind of girl.
Why yes, I am depressed. Thanks for noticing.
Sometimes people seem to have it all together, but in reality they don't. So be careful little mouths, what you say. You don't know what is going on inside another person's mind, another person's heart. There may be a struggle going on so big and so deep that it is beyond your comprehension. And you may say something so small, but it might just be enough. I've had enough.. have you had enough yet? Some of us are very good at hiding our pain and keeping it secret. Why pollute other people's lives with unnecessary sorrow and heartache? It's bad enough we have to carry it, why should anyone else? I want to break free. But, I'm not that kind of girl.
Could I give it to God? Could I just let go and let Him carry my burdens? Yes, I can. Why do you think I'm still alive? How do you think I've made it this far? But it's hard. It's hard to trust Him when things don't ever seem to get better. Please, God. Don't give up on me. And some days? I just want to go outside and scream at the sky Where are You!? But I don't. Because this is life, and I'm living it. And I know where He is.. He's right here with me, carrying me when I'm too weak to stand.
I just wish I could stand on my own more often. I wish I didn't fall so much. Fall down. Fall apart. Fall into darkness.. You're so weak, you're no good. I want to silence the voices. You are so wrong, I won't listen. And I long for the light. But, I'm not that kind of girl. And thank God, for that.