Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Can we be honest for a minute here?

This is not a happy post, by any means. And normally I would reserve such ramblings for my other blog.. but I just felt compelled to throw this out at the risk of vulnerability. So... yeah.

Sometimes, probably once a month, or maybe more like once a week.. well actually more like several times a day, I get overwhelmed.

The money, the kids, the marriage, the house, the thoughts, my brain.. I just want it to stop. I want it to STOP. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit.. What I wouldn't give to have a break, a day or two to not think about any of it, some time to just *breathe*. Relax and breathe, worry free.

And these are the moments when thoughts of suicide seep in. Like cold winter air leaking in under a doorway. You can stuff as many towels as you want against that little crack, but it still finds a way in. Yeah.. I said it. Suicide. But, I'm not that kind of girl. Suicide is selfish. And I care too much about my husband, my children, and my family and friends to do such a thing to them. No matter how many times that voice in my head whispers screams sneaks up on me, trying to convince me that I"m not good enough, that they'd all be better off without me, I won't believe it. Shut up. You're not real, and I'm not going to listen to you. And I fall apart a little more wishing I could make that part of me disappear, make it die. I want to die. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I want to make things right, I want to fix the broken things. But there's so many pieces scattered about that I don't know where to begin. I get overwhelmed. The more I look, the more I hunt for a solution, the more I pray and cry out to God, the more lost I feel. I grasp and cling to any shred of hope that comes along, but as soon as I do it dissolves in my hands, slipping through my fingers like water and tears. And I give up because it's too much. I want it to end. I can't do this anymore, you win. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I could spend my time wanting and wishing for better days, praying for things to change and throwing myself into any effort to work towards that goal. But for what? The more I push, the more I try, the farther and farther away that goal gets, the more it eludes me. And I'm tired. Further soon becomes forever and that distance quickly becomes more than a lifetime. A lifetime of frustration and missed moments and memories that should have been mine, that should have been happy. Is it worth it in the end? Is that what I want? No. I fight it. You can't take my happiness, dammit.. I will win. The fight is hard.. and I want to give up. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

I want joy in the simple things. Contentment in spite of the circumstances. We don't ask for much really.. Just time with the children to watch them grow, to teach them, to give them happy memories and positive examples. Not a childhood full of wishes. Wishes for parents who'd play more, who'd smile more, who weren't so crushed by the responsibility and obligation upon them that they're essentially unavailable. Parents who are shackled to mistakes they've made and can't find freedom from. And I fall apart a little more realizing I can't give my children these things and that voice is back, taunting me, You're no good, they'd be better off without you. But I won't listen. Go away. And as badly as I want to be free from all this, I'm not that kind of girl.

Life is out of control. It has been out of control for a long time, and I don't know how to fix it. The more we try to fix it, the more out of control it gets. And while some of the problems along the way were certainly due to our own irresponsibility, that amount pales in comparison to those that are just from 'bad luck'. I don't think that my life is horrible or miserable. It's not. Not at all. And compared to many, we are very rich.. we are privileged. But this isn't a game of comparison or who's better off than who.. It's simply a matter of feeling that my life is passing me by and so much of that feeling is born from something so much deeper than financial problems or having so many children to look after.. because it started so long ago. Can you hear me? Are you even listening? And I'm tired. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by. I don't like sitting on the bank of the river, watching it flow past me.. I want to jump in and swim. I want to swim without feeling like I might drown. I don't like where I'm sitting, it hurts, and I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not that kind of girl.

Why yes, I am depressed. Thanks for noticing.

Sometimes people seem to have it all together, but in reality they don't. So be careful little mouths, what you say. You don't know what is going on inside another person's mind, another person's heart. There may be a struggle going on so big and so deep that it is beyond your comprehension. And you may say something so small, but it might just be enough. I've had enough.. have you had enough yet? Some of us are very good at hiding our pain and keeping it secret. Why pollute other people's lives with unnecessary sorrow and heartache? It's bad enough we have to carry it, why should anyone else? I want to break free. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

Could I give it to God? Could I just let go and let Him carry my burdens? Yes, I can. Why do you think I'm still alive? How do you think I've made it this far? But it's hard. It's hard to trust Him when things don't ever seem to get better. Please, God. Don't give up on me. And some days? I just want to go outside and scream at the sky Where are You!? But I don't. Because this is life, and I'm living it. And I know where He is.. He's right here with me, carrying me when I'm too weak to stand.

I just wish I could stand on my own more often. I wish I didn't fall so much. Fall down. Fall apart. Fall into darkness.. You're so weak, you're no good. I want to silence the voices. You are so wrong, I won't listen. And I long for the light. But, I'm not that kind of girl. And thank God, for that.

30 comments:

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I stand with you in the same darkness at times.

Middle Aged Woman said...

1) Who says you need to control anything?
2) You have 5 kids. I'd be more alarmed if you weren't overwhelmed.
3) You are doing the best you know how.
4)God thinks you're awesome. How wrong could that be?

My Bottle's Up! said...

well done my lady. well done, well said...

i'm proud of you.

Pamela said...

That Middle Aged Woman. She knows stuff.

I think you know what I think and how I feel about this. But if you need me to tell you again, I will.

The letter's in the mail.

Andrea said...

I'm right there with you! It's so disturbing to me because I've been here before. Fortunately for me, I am stronger now then I was back then.

It's a scary and frightening place to be but please know you're not alone!

Lisa said...

You know. You know how I feel about you and you know where I am and where I've been. I love you. God thinks you ROCK! He loves you (and your boobies).

twingly's Treehouse said...

Your not alone!! (hugs)

Al_Pal said...

Oh My Goodness. 5!?

Yeah, I'd be more worried if you weren't overwhelmed.

While my situation is free of kid-stress, I have been through depression before. & even though I get down sometimes, I'm mostly-better now.

Here's hoping you have more good days, and soon. Some time to relax. *HUGS*

The Stiletto Mom said...

That was amazing...and brave. Well done. You are so right that you never know whats going in someones head...

Schmutzie said...

I'm a fixer, I like to try to fix things, and I wish I could fix this for you. I have been through bouts of severe depression since I was a small kid, and one of the best things to do is to stop hiding it and tell people about it.

I'll be thinking of you.

Hope said...

I do understand. I can't say enough that this will/can help you.

http://www.web-us.com/l-theanine_anxiety_reducer.htm


read up on it. No joke it worked the very first time I used it and the first time DJ used it. It takes about an hour to kick in. It wont fix the issues brewing in our minds and hearts but it does open our brain to be receptive to possible logical and helpful resolutions rather than feeling more pressure and like our minds are going byebye.

I got mine from Elliotts Natural foods. if you cant find any for under15 dollars a bottle on line or in your areas I will send you some. If it doesnt work for you i will buy the bottle off of you cause it works for me. so you dont lose anything. TRY IT PLEASE

Mr. Nuggets said...

Megan, ok...since you did it, a confession from me. The real reason I used "NumbNuggets" for my moniker is not because of my encounter with the scorpion fish (though, THAT was an experience!).

It is because I became desperate to find any sort of nugget in the mind- and soul-numbing reality of my world. A nugget of meaning, joy; a treasured moment; a fun moment; an idea. Anything to help me focus on what makes life worth living in the midst of completely overwhelming and never-ending difficulties.

I started blogging simply as a way to help me focus on the simple, meaningful moments that I kept missing due to the pain that dominated nearly every moment of my life. It has become a life saver because I have become aware of so many things to be grateful for. It really is in the small moments.

Yet, if you read my blog, you'll see I'm not always positive. My last post was an attempt to put words to an impression I had in my heart. I was hurting and what was hurting even more was how little the world around me at the moment seemed to care about hurting people.

Life IS worth living. As the movie "Up" talks about: the "boring moments" are where true joy and meaning are found.

Despite financial problems, fights, lost jobs, depression, anxiety, overwhelming obstacles, doubts about God, etc., etc., a flower, skipping stones on a pond, a walk during sunset, a tear after finding an old letter from a good friend - those types of things get me through my day sometimes. They make life worthwhile.

For a small sampling of how I cope, check out Sometimes
Moments in the Raw
Embrace Your Inner Geek
A Kiss
If Cheese Made You Drunk
Crappy Decisions

I'm not plugging my blog...just hoping to reach out and give you a smile or help in some small way.

I'm right there with you.

Thank you for posting this.

Only Aman said...

You wrote those feelings out very well.

I love you.

MrsMessiness said...

I'm here with you too - I'm so *in awe* of how you were able to gather your thoughts and spell them out so beautifully - thank you for doing it.

Often times, I think the guilt of knowing that we *should* give it to God but not know *how* to give it over is what gets me, and I become overwhelmed with what this means - 'an I not good enough at believing?', 'do I not have strong enough faith?'.. I get it - I do.

Thank you for writing this - thank you thank you thank you.

Wendy said...

I've never really wanted to kill myself, but I went through a period where I wanted to die. Babe, all you can do is keep breathing. I don't know what else to tell you. You recognize the thoughts and I think that's pretty important.

Love ya.

Mr Lady said...

You do realize that if you never fall, you never learn how to get up, right? True story.

Thepsychobabble said...

I'm listening. I'm listening and nodding my head through the whole darn thing. Ever read one of those posts that makes you go, "How the heck did you get into my head?"

flutter said...

strength isn't measured in being strong, strength is measured in the acceptance and the surrender of being fragile.

Dahlila said...

That WAS very brave and eloquent. Depression is terrible. I am here with you. So many are. You are not alone.

"The heart that breaks open can contain the entire universe"

I love that. It reminds us to be real, forget supposed to be.

love, d.

Stacey said...

Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

CheekySweetie said...

I feel lost sometimes too.

Amy said...

Honey you know me well enough to know I am right there with you. You also know that I am always here for you. You have totally been there for me.

queenoftheclick said...

I just wanted to say that I think you are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your life with us. From the bottom of my heart xxx

Kat said...

I just want to tell you how much I love you.

karen said...

I'm with you - I get overwhelmed too...and suicide thoughts creep in. Norman Vincent Peale's site for downloads on getting thru the day, and overcoming worry. It's faith based, and reminds us that we're not in it alone...and God Will carry us.

BeautifulWreck said...

{{{hugs}}}

I am a very controlling person. I have realized that often that I need to just give it up. Give it to a higher power. Its hard.

As a mother of five myself, I know it is overwhelming. I got my Not The Momma Week because lets face it, I could have written this post six weeks ago. Sometimes I feel I am on the brink of sanity and feel so incapable. I fake having it together tho so well at times.

I feel refreshed these days. Had a good break, trying to let go, let God.

You are not alone.

Roberta-chan said...

Just wanted to say that reading what you had to say about depression, I was taken back in time about 10 years ago... from the voices in the head to seriously thinking of suicide. Thank you for sharing your thoughts... it is SO important for people to read!!

Staci said...

You are so brave to put this out there. I think many of us feel the same way now and then. hugs

Karl said...

Yeah, again, I tell you that I have eye allergies. *sniff*

You amaze me yet again, woman. I've struggled with severe depression my entire life and you very eloquently express how it feels.

I'm glad you know that suicide is selfish. I tried it once myself. Now that I'm all englightened and shit, I know that suicide is an act of anger and selfishness, perhaps the ULTIMATE act of selfishness.

Others here are right...talking about it is the answer. Praying is the answer. Close friends and family members are the answer. And for me, meds are also part of the answer.

You and a few others are really motivating me to write a post about my depression...or more importantly, the background that afflicted me with it and PTSD.

Thanks. And one of these days, I'll get my ass to your part of the world so I can hang with you and your husband. And I'll even offer my babysitting services so you two can go out for a day or night.

Maybe I'll teach them how to light their farts on fire. Kids love me.

Kay said...

You amaze me... but then again, you usually do.
Everyone else has already said so much of what I would have said, so I won't repeat it all. Instead, take a minute (or four) and watch... but more than watch, listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaVg0cWkgAw

 
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