Monday, July 6, 2009

Never Let Go - Part 6

In case you missed some and would like to catch up.. The rest of Never Let Go.

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Sara didn't hear from Matt for over a week after that day.

Part of her was relieved, but for some reason she felt the need to bring him back. She began to realize in that week just how much of her life she had let go of during the course of their relationship. She felt bad for ignoring her friends the way she had, but she didn't feel that she could call them now. What would she say? They would never understand.

So instead, she called Matt. And called him and called him. She even went to his apartment and knocked on his door, but there was no answer. Then he just showed up again. He showed up at her front door with flowers in his hands and a smile on his face.

“I'm so sorry.” he said to her, sweetly. “I was so wrong for the way I treated you. Please, let me make it up to you? I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't ever happen again..”

Sara melted at the sight of his smile again. It was as if that morning in the kitchen never happened. Sure, there was a small voice deep inside her screaming No! Please don't take him back! Don't trust him, don't do it! But it was surprisingly easy for her to quiet it with explanations of how it was her fault in the first place and if she'd just be nicer to him, she wouldn't have to worry.

She was in control of the situation.

Sara let Matt in the house and led the way to the kitchen where they put the flowers in water and then decided to pack a picnic to share in Lithia Park. It was a beautiful day, and there was no reason not to go out and enjoy it together.

Things went along very smoothly for quite some time after that, and Sara grew more and more confident in her decision to let Matt back into her life. She was especially grateful for him in light of the fact that it seemed all her friends had simply moved on and forgotten her. At times, she felt like he was all she had.

As the weeks turned into months, she grew more and more in love with him. The way he looked at her, the way he laughed with her.. they had so much fun together. It wasn't long before Sara accepted Matt's offer to move in with him. They were spending so much time together, they might as well save a little money on rent and live together, right? Sara started packing.

But the more she packed the more Matt told her she needed to leave behind. It soon became a battle over what Sara got to keep and what she had to leave behind. She felt that he was being unfair but understood that it was his apartment she was moving into. One evening, he came over to help her go through some of her things and pack but he ended up leaving in a huff as she pleaded with him to let her keep a few boxes of old letters that she'd kept from her childhood and teens. Letters from friends that she'd been pen-pals with for years. He said she was being silly and selfish and should just throw them out. She refused and he stormed off, slamming the door behind him.

That night, Sara went to bed feeling confused. She loved Matt so much. He was all she had now. But she was starting to rethink her decision to move in with him. The heaviness of the decision weighed on her as she thought of just letting go of so many of her things, so much of her life, so much of herself.. She wasn't so sure she was ready to do that. After all, he had hurt her before. Sure, it was in the past now, and things were better. But it did happen. She hadn't forgotten.

She wanted to back out. She wanted to stay where she was and not move. But Sara began to feel scared at the thought of changing her plans with Matt. She was afraid of offending him. She was afraid to go against his wishes. She was afraid of making him angry. This isn't right. I shouldn't be afraid. Why am I afraid? Nothing bad is going to happen.

She drifted off to sleep, convincing herself she was silly for being so scared. Of course Matt would understand that there were just some things that she didn't want to leave behind. Or perhaps she would see if someone would hold on to them for her for a while. Something would work out. Maybe he was right.. maybe she should just let go and move on. She was being rather silly and selfish. Things would work out fine.

Sara woke to the sound of a key dropping on her night stand. She opened her eyes but the room was still dark. A silhouette walked around her bed and she sat up quickly.

"Who's there?” she demanded.

"Ssshh..” an amused chuckle followed as her mattress shifted and she realized in her grogginess that someone was on her bed crawling over her.

"It's just me baby.. I couldn't let us go to bed angry, darling..” Matt whispered in the darkness as he pulled the covers off her and ran his hands over her body tugging at her pajamas.

"Matt, stop it.” she whispered back. “What are you doing here, how did you get in?”

"A key.” he breathed in her ear as he kissed her neck.

"Matt, please.. stop.”

"Sssshhh.. Let's not go to bed angry.” he said as he pushed her back down on the bed and lay on top of her.

"Matt.. you're hurting me.”

"Sara, don't be ridiculous. I would never hurt you.. I love you.”

Sara felt his weight pressing her into the mattress and she wished it would just open up and swallow her whole as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to talk herself into being okay with what was happening to her..

8 comments:

Hit 40 said...

Gosh! I hope she at least tried to kick him in the nuts or give them a good squeeze!!!!!!

Lisa said...

Dude. Seriously. I hope you're killing him off.

Pamela said...

I love it. I hate it.
Thanks for the conflict.

Kay said...

I can feel her emotions - the confusion, the fear, the anger... and most of all, wanting to make the RIGHT decision, but not knowing what it is. Wanting to be wrong, but deep down knowing she's right.

Can't wait for the next part...

Giddy said...

It's so right on, though.. The part of her realizing what's really happening, and the conscious decision to ignore her gut instinct. You nailed it.

Hope said...

Ahhh this chick is making me sick to my stomach here. I know I gotz issues but this lady is the PICTURE OF MY WEAK ASS MAMA. I sure hope her story ends sooner and better than my moms.

so my emotional baggage aside, you write it all out very well. I like it and look forward to the next install.

Keely said...

Yep, you nailed it. Self-delusion is really powerful.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Lisa's comment made me laugh. Very powerful writing ! Awesome!

 
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