"Hello?"
"Hey Mary, what are you up to?" It had been nearly two weeks since Billy had called. Sure, they had seen each other at school.. ate lunch together once or twice, and said hello when they passed each other in the halls.. But Mary had all but given up on the boy and was working hard not to sulk too much about it. His voice was both welcome and irritating.. more welcome though.
"Nothing. What are you up to?" she answered.
"Just calling you. You want to hang out or something?"
"Sure, I guess. What did you have in mind?"
"Oh, I don't know.. I thought maybe you could come over here and we could shoot some pool or something.. Sound okay?"
"That sounds great." Mary answered smiling to herself.
"You want me to come pick you up?"
"Nah, I was thinking I'd just walk." There was a pause on the other end of the line.
"Really??"
"I'm kidding, Billy. Yes, please, pick me up."
Mary hung up the phone, informed her mother of her plans to play pool at Billy's house, and ran upstairs to her room to get ready. She looked in the mirror at her jeans and t-shirt and contemplated changing. She noticed the way the snug jeans hugged her body and her fitted blue t-shirt with it's scooped neck showed off just a hint of cleavage. She smiled, pulled her hair up in a sloppy knot behind her head and pulled out some strawberry lip gloss.
Mary grabbed her black hoodie and ran back downstairs to slip on her boots. As she finished tying them, she heard Billy knock at the door. She threw her sweatshirt on and yelled good bye to her mom as she opened the door and stepped out into the cool late winter California sunshine. She followed Billy to his truck and hopped in to her seat. Yanking the door shut, she smiled at Billy as she buckled her seat belt. He smiled back and started the engine before pulling away from the curb without a word.
As they sat on the little bench inside the front door to remove their shoes at Billy's house, Mary noticed several pairs of slippers lined up underneath it on the floor. Billy pulled out a small pair and handed them to Mary.
"My mom bought some guest slippers.. since your feet were cold last time you were here. She wasn't sure what size to get.. I just told her you had really small feet." Mary blushed a little, touched by his mom's consideration. She turned the slippers over and found the size 7 circled on the bottom.
"These will work." She said smiling.
"Are they the right size?" Billy asked.
"No, I wear a 6. But these will work fine." she answered.
Billy walked to the entrance to the family room and kitchen and informed his dad that he was home then lead the way upstair to his room with Mary following.
Billy's room was at the top of the stairs. It was a large room with double doors. There was a full size bed to the right and a desk to the left. Behind the open double doors, between the bed and wall, there was a small pool table. It wasn't a full size table, but it was a pool table. Billy shut one of the doors so that they would have better access around the table. He reached for the cues that were in a small closet and pulled out a rack of balls as well. He handed her a cue as he set the balls on the table.
"Yeah.. it's a small table. But I have regular sized balls." Mary could see him rethink that statement as he lifted the rack. She giggled a little and he made a face at her. "Oh, you know what I mean.."
They didn't talk a lot as they played.. and when they did it was mostly immature jokes about hitting balls with sticks and having bad aim when it came to 'getting it in'. Billy was more than happy to give her a few pointers again as he had the night of the dance. Mary noticed that he pressed a little harder against her when he'd reach his arms around her to help her position her hands on the cue properly.
Mary really liked Billy. She liked everything about him. And she was still a little surprised that such a nice 'good' boy had taken an interest in her. She began to think about her last boyfriend.. thinking about how far their relationship had gone, and how much trouble they'd gotten in. She wondered how much she should share with Billy.. and when.
"What's the matter?" Billy said, noticing her sullen look.
"Nothing..." she answered distantly.
"Liar." Billy said, giving her his usual half smile. He walked around the table and stood close to her, putting and arm around her waist. "C'mon.. what's wrong? Did I say something stupid?"
"No," Mary laughed. "No. I'm having a great time. I really like hanging out with you." she said, smiling at him.
"I like hanging out with you too." he said as he leaned closer and kissed her. Mary was a little surprised at the suddenness but melted into his arms as he pulled her closer. "So what's wrong?" he said as he looked down at her face.
"I don't know.." Mary said, her eyes wandering away from his gaze. "I guess I'm just afraid you won't like me so much when you get to know me." she said quietly.
"Why would you think that?" he said, sounding a little surprised.
"I'm just.. I don't know." Mary stammered. "You're a really nice guy.. and I.. well, I'm not as 'good' as I might seem." she said giving him a shy look.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked giving her a doubtful look.
"Well.. I.. I've had a lot of boyfriends." she said looking at her feet.
"Okay.." Billy said. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing.. I guess." Mary said quietly. "I guess it's just what I've done with them that's bad."
Billy stepped away and looked at her. He had a serious face, as if he was trying to assess something. Trying to determine it's value. Trying to determine
her value.
"Does this have to do with that guy you were dating a few months ago?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"I see. So is there something you're trying to tell me then? You have me pretty confused here..."
"I guess.." she said hesitantly. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She looked Billy in the eye and said, "I'm not a virgin."
Billy thought about that for a moment before responding. He reached for his pool cue and took his turn while Mary stood watching him. She had a sinking feeling inside, like she had just flushed her chances with this boy down the toilet. He stood again and looked at her. His face softened and he smiled.
"Okay." he said.
"That's it? Just 'Okay'?" Mary replied.
"What do you want me to say? 'Well I am a virgin.'? I mean.. nothing I really can say to that, is there?" Mary nodded and reached for her cue. She looked at him again, before lining up her shot. He smiled again. "It's okay, Mary."
During the ride home, Billy was his usual silent self. Though not smiling so much. Mary would have given anything, once again, to get inside his head and hear his thoughts. His lack of reaction bothered her and she wished he would just tell her how he felt. She couldn't help but feel that what she had told him had somehow changed things.
After their dance date, Billy had asked Mary out. She really liked him and her brother and his girlfriend thought they would make a great couple. They urged Billy to ask her out, and so he did. She loved to tease him that he'd been 'talked into being her boyfriend'. They had hung out a couple times. They'd gone out with her brother and his girlfriend, gone to a movie with a group of friends from band. He seemed to really like being with her, and she felt like they were growing in their relationship.. despite the fact that he rarely called or initiated outings. Now, she wasn't so sure of anything. And she feared that she had just snuffed out whatever small flame there was between them.
When you climb on furniture or run down the driveway to the street, I want to pull you back, to hold you tight, and protect you. I want to hold you back, to keep you to myself, just as you are. I might go so far as to point out that no one else is doing such things, and wonder what put the idea in your little head? But I know it doesn't matter to you. What those around you are doing is of little consequence, you truly march to your own beat. The world is your playground and everything in it is a new experience waiting to be devoured. And I smile knowing you have a mind of your own and you will go your own way, forge a new path. I admire your ingenuity and creativity.
Many parents have plans or hopes for their children, ideas about who they'd like them to be or how they'd like them to turn out. But I'm not out to mold you or shape you into who I want you to be. I want you to be you! And I delight in learning more about you each day. Your growing vocabulary and your new found ways of communicating surprise me everyday, and my heart aches as I watch you grow up right before my eyes. I can't wait to see the young woman you become! Watching you discover yourself and who you are is a privilege I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I realize you won't always want me along for that ride, and that's okay. You are your own person, don't ever let anyone tell you differently. But please know that I will always be here to catch you when you fall and help you get back on your feet.
As you lavish your innocent love and affection on those close to you, I am in awe of how freely you dispense it. I yearn with every ounce of my being to protect you from ever having someone break your trust, betray you, or take advantage of your love.. perverting and twisting it and turning it to pain. But I know that I can't always be there to watch over you and I just hope that, over the years, you can trust me enough to be open and understand that I love you, no matter what. I will be here with an open heart, a welcoming shoulder, and a willing ear. If you ever need to fall apart, I promise to help put you back together.
Your laughter is like music. I step out on the porch in the morning, greeted by the sound of hundreds of birds chirping and chattering, and I can't help but think of you and your darling giggle. Like a lilting melody, sweet and precious. It warms my heart and makes me dizzy and euphoric, I can't help but stop and smile and laugh right along with you. The way you spin and dance and sing songs in your own tongue may not draw an audience but it is enough to make me wish I could dance and sing with you. But grown-ups have little knowledge or understanding of your world. To be so tiny again and free from the weight of adult responsibility upon you seems unfathomable at times. It is so beautiful to watch. The magic and mystery of childhood still fresh and new. You make me want to be a child again and I do my best not to intrude on your world, preserving it and protecting it from mine. Adulthood and maturity come soon enough and I want you to enjoy your carefree innocence for as long as you desire.
And then come the rare delicious moments when our worlds collide and mingle. Catching fireflies together as the sun sinks low in the sky, sitting in a tent in the backyard just because, tea parties and baby dolls and painting our nails on the back porch. They remind me that our bond is growing, they show me we are connected, and I will treasure those moments always.
Watching you play and interact with your siblings is breathtaking. The adoration and curiosity is palpable when you are with them. The way you watch them and communicate with them reminds me that this is the very definition of family. Our bonds are still new and seemingly unbreakable, I pray that they stay that way. This kind of love is what all families should be made of.
The more I get to know you, the more I adore and admire who you are. Your bold and courageous spirit astounds me and I love the way you delight in every new thing in your world! Ever eager to learn new things and explore new ideas, I thrill at the thought of knowing who you are when you are grown. It makes me want to be more like you.
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