The Lacey Blanket

Darla leaned back against the wall as she sat on the dusty attic floor, wiping the perspiration from her forehead with the back of her hand. She held back tears as she gazed at the murky sunlight timidly spilling through the little round window and mingling with the dust and cobwebs. It must have been at least two decades since anyone had been in Grandma's attic. She wished she could have been up here under happier circumstances, that she could have sorted through these things with Grandma instead of doing it alone. She struggled against the sting of regret as it threatened to drag her down again.

Darla remembered playing in this attic as a child. She's spent many an hour digging in the large trunks and peeking in boxes, hunting for little treasures from her Grandmothers life. Mementos and heirlooms and trinkets filled the space waiting to delight and entertain her. The attic was messy and cluttered, as it always had been, and probably not the safest place for a child to play. But it became a second home to Darla. It was her hiding place, her refuge. As she'd grown her visits changed from treasure hunts, dress-up sessions, and tea parties to quiet time and contemplative moments spent scribbling in a notebook or drawing on a sketch pad.

Tears rolled down her cheeks and dripped from her chin to her chest as the memories washed over her, dissipating in the sweat that was once again accumulating on her skin. The weight of it all was matched only by the heat of the Wisconson summer, and Darla decided it was time to take a break. She pulled herself up off the floor and brushed the dust off her pants as she headed to the narrow staircase that lead down into the turn-of-the-century Midwest farm house.

Coming here from her California home was like a time warp, a real life twilight zone. The stark contrast between the hustle and bustle of her life in the Bay Area and this quiet piece of country in Excelsior still came as a shock to her. From the fast-paced, every man for himself attitude in California to the outskirts of town with little more to offer in amenities than the abundant hospitality and friendly smiles.

Finishing her descent from the second floor to the first now, Darla entered the large kitchen in the back of the house. She paused at the kitchen sink for a moment, gazing out the window at a garden now overgrown with weeds. As much as she loved it, Grandma just couldn't keep up with tending the little plot after she'd fallen ill in late June. Darla felt a twinge of guilt at not coming sooner, but she had been laid up herself because of morning sickness.

She let out a sigh as she poured a glass of lemonade and pondered the irony of it. Sickness. Sickness had kept them apart as one life began and another drew to an end. Her heart ached over the separation and the realization that this woman, who'd been such a precious part of her life, would never meet this unborn child. Exhaustion set in and Darla sipped her lemonade as she stepped out onto the shady wrap-around porch and seated herself in Grandma's swing.

A rapid fire flashing of memories raced through her mind. She could replay nearly her whole life in snapshots of her and her grandmother in that swing together. Right up to days before Grandma's passing when they had lounged there together on a breezy afternoon. Her grandmother snoozing peacefully in the swing under her favorite blanket. A pale blue blanket, edged in lace. A lacey blanket that still sat, folded neatly, at one end of the seat.

A light breeze struggled against the oppressive heat of the day and Darla layed down on the swing, resting her head on the blanket. She let the lingering scent of her grandmother's perfume comfort and lull her to sleep as the condensation rolled down the sides of her glass mimicking the tears on her cheeks.

My Darling Joella..

Every day I look at you.. and I am amazed. I am amazed and frustrated, and envious and terrified. I fear my heart may burst with all of the emotions you evoke. Everything in your world is beautiful and funny and exciting. You run at life head on, with no fear, pushing your limits and eager for your next adventure or challenge. I hope and pray that no one ever scares you enough to shatter that courage. But if that does happen, I pray that you may find your voice and speak out against the wrongs done to you.. that you may pick yourself up, put yourself back together, and bravely move forward.
When you climb on furniture or run down the driveway to the street, I want to pull you back, to hold you tight, and protect you. I want to hold you back, to keep you to myself, just as you are. I might go so far as to point out that no one else is doing such things, and wonder what put the idea in your little head? But I know it doesn't matter to you. What those around you are doing is of little consequence, you truly march to your own beat. The world is your playground and everything in it is a new experience waiting to be devoured. And I smile knowing you have a mind of your own and you will go your own way, forge a new path. I admire your ingenuity and creativity.
Many parents have plans or hopes for their children, ideas about who they'd like them to be or how they'd like them to turn out. But I'm not out to mold you or shape you into who I want you to be. I want you to be you! And I delight in learning more about you each day. Your growing vocabulary and your new found ways of communicating surprise me everyday, and my heart aches as I watch you grow up right before my eyes. I can't wait to see the young woman you become! Watching you discover yourself and who you are is a privilege I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I realize you won't always want me along for that ride, and that's okay. You are your own person, don't ever let anyone tell you differently. But please know that I will always be here to catch you when you fall and help you get back on your feet.
As you lavish your innocent love and affection on those close to you, I am in awe of how freely you dispense it. I yearn with every ounce of my being to protect you from ever having someone break your trust, betray you, or take advantage of your love.. perverting and twisting it and turning it to pain. But I know that I can't always be there to watch over you and I just hope that, over the years, you can trust me enough to be open and understand that I love you, no matter what. I will be here with an open heart, a welcoming shoulder, and a willing ear. If you ever need to fall apart, I promise to help put you back together.
Your laughter is like music. I step out on the porch in the morning, greeted by the sound of hundreds of birds chirping and chattering, and I can't help but think of you and your darling giggle. Like a lilting melody, sweet and precious. It warms my heart and makes me dizzy and euphoric, I can't help but stop and smile and laugh right along with you. The way you spin and dance and sing songs in your own tongue may not draw an audience but it is enough to make me wish I could dance and sing with you. But grown-ups have little knowledge or understanding of your world. To be so tiny again and free from the weight of adult responsibility upon you seems unfathomable at times. It is so beautiful to watch. The magic and mystery of childhood still fresh and new. You make me want to be a child again and I do my best not to intrude on your world, preserving it and protecting it from mine. Adulthood and maturity come soon enough and I want you to enjoy your carefree innocence for as long as you desire.
And then come the rare delicious moments when our worlds collide and mingle. Catching fireflies together as the sun sinks low in the sky, sitting in a tent in the backyard just because, tea parties and baby dolls and painting our nails on the back porch. They remind me that our bond is growing, they show me we are connected, and I will treasure those moments always.
Watching you play and interact with your siblings is breathtaking. The adoration and curiosity is palpable when you are with them. The way you watch them and communicate with them reminds me that this is the very definition of family. Our bonds are still new and seemingly unbreakable, I pray that they stay that way. This kind of love is what all families should be made of.
The more I get to know you, the more I adore and admire who you are. Your bold and courageous spirit astounds me and I love the way you delight in every new thing in your world! Ever eager to learn new things and explore new ideas, I thrill at the thought of knowing who you are when you are grown. It makes me want to be more like you.

Never Let Go - Part 8

This time, packing and preparing for a move was much more peaceful. Sara didn't hear from Matt for the duration of that time.. She was a bit unnerved by it, to be honest. Part of her felt a little guilty for just dumping him the way she did and she had to fight the urge to call him up, apologize, and beg him to take her back.. But still, there was that underlying hesitation. She was also afraid. A shiver would run through her any time she imagined herself with him again. No. No more. The days leading up to her departure were tense and she was always looking over her shoulder, always expecting him to somehow sneak up on her.. not knowing what she would do if he did, not trusting herself.

Luckily, no one was ever there.

Sara's move went smoothly, perfectly really. She got settled into her apartment in Chicago quickly, and enjoyed her new job as an apprentice in a local theater. It was only about a month before she found an opportunity to audition for a big role and was accepted. Her heart soared as her dreams finally started to take flight. She missed the beautiful Elizabethan Theater in Ashland, but was thrilled to be on to bigger and brighter venues. She immersed herself in the escape of playing a part and becoming someone else. What a blissful break from her own life and her own troubles!

And then the phone calls started. Sara didn't know how Matt managed to find her number, but he did. He'd call at night and cry over the phone, begging for her to come back. Plead into the answering machine for her to let him come to Chicago. He'd remind her of how good things were before she left and longed to understand why she waited until things had improved to leave him. After a few weeks of that, she changed her number. But she felt awful. After all, he'd changed, right? Why didn't she give him another chance?

She began to feel as if she was the one who was screwed up, she was the one who was wrong. Apparently, she could only be happy if things were bad. Apparently, she just couldn't find it in her to love him unless he was being manipulative and abusive. What is wrong with me? she wondered.

She missed him. She missed him terribly. And she fought the urge to give in and fly back to Ashland.

A few more weeks went by without the phone calls and the ache finally began to subside. Sara was finally able to open her eyes and see just how much power Matt had over her. But still, she didn't hate him. She had little reason to at this point.. she'd managed to get out before things got worse. What might have happened had she stayed? What would the next offense be?

She reminded herself of this as she walked down this Chicago street to the theater on a brisk fall morning. Sure, she missed him. But the sadness of being homesick and wanting to be in his arms again paled in comparison to the relief she felt at being smart enough and brave enough to stand up and walk away.

Can we be honest for a minute here?

This is not a happy post, by any means. And normally I would reserve such ramblings for my other blog.. but I just felt compelled to throw this out at the risk of vulnerability. So... yeah.

Sometimes, probably once a month, or maybe more like once a week.. well actually more like several times a day, I get overwhelmed.

The money, the kids, the marriage, the house, the thoughts, my brain.. I just want it to stop. I want it to STOP. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit.. What I wouldn't give to have a break, a day or two to not think about any of it, some time to just *breathe*. Relax and breathe, worry free.

And these are the moments when thoughts of suicide seep in. Like cold winter air leaking in under a doorway. You can stuff as many towels as you want against that little crack, but it still finds a way in. Yeah.. I said it. Suicide. But, I'm not that kind of girl. Suicide is selfish. And I care too much about my husband, my children, and my family and friends to do such a thing to them. No matter how many times that voice in my head whispers screams sneaks up on me, trying to convince me that I"m not good enough, that they'd all be better off without me, I won't believe it. Shut up. You're not real, and I'm not going to listen to you. And I fall apart a little more wishing I could make that part of me disappear, make it die. I want to die. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I want to make things right, I want to fix the broken things. But there's so many pieces scattered about that I don't know where to begin. I get overwhelmed. The more I look, the more I hunt for a solution, the more I pray and cry out to God, the more lost I feel. I grasp and cling to any shred of hope that comes along, but as soon as I do it dissolves in my hands, slipping through my fingers like water and tears. And I give up because it's too much. I want it to end. I can't do this anymore, you win. But I'm not that kind of girl.

I could spend my time wanting and wishing for better days, praying for things to change and throwing myself into any effort to work towards that goal. But for what? The more I push, the more I try, the farther and farther away that goal gets, the more it eludes me. And I'm tired. Further soon becomes forever and that distance quickly becomes more than a lifetime. A lifetime of frustration and missed moments and memories that should have been mine, that should have been happy. Is it worth it in the end? Is that what I want? No. I fight it. You can't take my happiness, dammit.. I will win. The fight is hard.. and I want to give up. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

I want joy in the simple things. Contentment in spite of the circumstances. We don't ask for much really.. Just time with the children to watch them grow, to teach them, to give them happy memories and positive examples. Not a childhood full of wishes. Wishes for parents who'd play more, who'd smile more, who weren't so crushed by the responsibility and obligation upon them that they're essentially unavailable. Parents who are shackled to mistakes they've made and can't find freedom from. And I fall apart a little more realizing I can't give my children these things and that voice is back, taunting me, You're no good, they'd be better off without you. But I won't listen. Go away. And as badly as I want to be free from all this, I'm not that kind of girl.

Life is out of control. It has been out of control for a long time, and I don't know how to fix it. The more we try to fix it, the more out of control it gets. And while some of the problems along the way were certainly due to our own irresponsibility, that amount pales in comparison to those that are just from 'bad luck'. I don't think that my life is horrible or miserable. It's not. Not at all. And compared to many, we are very rich.. we are privileged. But this isn't a game of comparison or who's better off than who.. It's simply a matter of feeling that my life is passing me by and so much of that feeling is born from something so much deeper than financial problems or having so many children to look after.. because it started so long ago. Can you hear me? Are you even listening? And I'm tired. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by. I don't like sitting on the bank of the river, watching it flow past me.. I want to jump in and swim. I want to swim without feeling like I might drown. I don't like where I'm sitting, it hurts, and I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not that kind of girl.

Why yes, I am depressed. Thanks for noticing.

Sometimes people seem to have it all together, but in reality they don't. So be careful little mouths, what you say. You don't know what is going on inside another person's mind, another person's heart. There may be a struggle going on so big and so deep that it is beyond your comprehension. And you may say something so small, but it might just be enough. I've had enough.. have you had enough yet? Some of us are very good at hiding our pain and keeping it secret. Why pollute other people's lives with unnecessary sorrow and heartache? It's bad enough we have to carry it, why should anyone else? I want to break free. But, I'm not that kind of girl.

Could I give it to God? Could I just let go and let Him carry my burdens? Yes, I can. Why do you think I'm still alive? How do you think I've made it this far? But it's hard. It's hard to trust Him when things don't ever seem to get better. Please, God. Don't give up on me. And some days? I just want to go outside and scream at the sky Where are You!? But I don't. Because this is life, and I'm living it. And I know where He is.. He's right here with me, carrying me when I'm too weak to stand.

I just wish I could stand on my own more often. I wish I didn't fall so much. Fall down. Fall apart. Fall into darkness.. You're so weak, you're no good. I want to silence the voices. You are so wrong, I won't listen. And I long for the light. But, I'm not that kind of girl. And thank God, for that.

BlogHer09 - saying goodbye.. and the loooong road home!

Sunday morning was the recovery breakfast in the same suite as CheeseburgHer. It was sponsored by Starbucks, so we went. Cause I loves me some Starbucks. We met up with Neil and Twentyfour there again and giggled over coffee and pastries.

Off to the lobby to bid many friends good bye and snap a few pictures.. then off to Starbucks for more coffee. (What? we had to drive 8hrs home that day!)

Not that we're in love with Schmutzie and Palinode or anything..
but we're totally in love with them.

Karl and Twentyfour and Nanny Goats and LizRiz joined us for more coffee. We had a great time swapping stories of the weekend's frivolities but were soon interrupted by a lunch invitation from Schmutzie and Palinode. Sadly, Aman and I needed to get ready to head out of town, so we weren't able to join.

Seriously. How lucky are we to chat over coffee with these people?

We went back to Karl's room, where we'd stashed our stuff, and then hopped in the rental van to go drop off Karl's room key and make a last minute stop at Trader Joe's. Beer, snacks, hummus.. heaven.

This is the floor the put Karl and Neil on. (aka, the porn star floor)

Why yes! Heaven does come in a four pack! Just not in Iowa. Aman's favorite beer.

On our walk back to the van, we ran across some lovely Canadian ladies who wanted to take a picture with us! We were flattered. We dropped our bags right there on the sidewalk and hopped the fence with glee. She even let us lick her.

She totally wasn't grossed out and didn't think we were weird at all..

Or did she??

Off on the road we went, driving the incredibly exciting 5 hours back to Keokuk to collect our midgets, then back on the road around 8:30 for the 3 hour drive home.. It was a little scary, but we made it. By the end of the weekend, I was so socially overwhelmed and anxious that I'd worked up a nice little migraine and was utterly exhausted. Not to mention the average 4-5hrs of sleep we got each night. So, needless to say, Aman's cargosleepy kicked in during that last hour of the trip.. The same hour that my headache got bad enough that I could barely stand to keep my eyes open and I'd started shaking. It was FUN. Especially when we got home at midnight, had to change diapers, and put the kids to bed. Yippee!!

But it was worth it.

The End.

BlogHer09 - Wieners and boobs and burgers, oh my!

Saturday morning we got up. We brushed our teeth with a Muskrat.

Good dental hygiene is important at such events!

We didn't have the snazzy free breakfast since we sold our tickets.. so we had to fend for ourselves. Dunkin Donuts it is!

The coffee was way hot.. the food was burnt.. AWESOME.

We made our way to the registration station so that Aman could transfer his Lobbycon ticket to my name. We went to the table outside the Chi-Bar, where Lobbycon was taking place, and they told us we needed to go to the main registration table upstairs. So we did. And they sent us back. It was rad.

So, he got his ticket transferred, kissed me goodbye, and trotted off into the Windy City while I got cozy with a leather love seat.

Lobbycon was awesome. Okay. Not really. I actually took the time to pull out my phone and send a message to Twitter stating that Lobbycon was so exciting I was having a really easy time staying awake and wasn't tempted at all to take a nap.

That's not the leather love seat.. that's me staring at the schedule. Which I did so awesomely that babyjidesign.com wanted to take my picture!

So after my snooze, I got up and wandered around, went pee (in the bathroom! sheesh..), rode up and down the escalators, texted Aman, stared at the schedule... It was all very exciting. Then I decided to to walk through the vendor's room or whatever they call the room with the big shiny things and people giving you free shit. I did my best to walk fast and not make eye-contact, only getting distracted by the laundry fairies at the ALL booth.. what? they had chocolate!

It was nearly lunch time by then, so I went up to wait for Aman in the lobby.

Everyone seemed to be busy with... stuff. So we went back to the hotel room for a bit and then wandered down to the Navy Pier for lunch.

We were tourists.. and stuff.

We have a place here in Des Moines where we like to get 'Chicago Dogs'. They are tasty. So we thought, why not get a real Chicago dog? Well, the Navy Pier probably wasn't the best place to get one.. being a big tourist attraction and all.. but we gave it a shot. And they weren't bad at all. I, of course, did not get a Chicago dog, I got a New York dog. But, whatever.

We did not get our hot dogs here.
I have my own Wiener Man, thankyouverymuch..
Lunch! They had curly fries. Yum.
Boobs and wieners. A match made in heaven.. or Chicago anyway.
and, yes, my boobs weren't the only nice thing to look at.

After lunch, we headed back to the hotel again and Aman showed me what he had been up to. Despite what BJHenry had told me, he was not out 'wife shopping' but rather 'shopping for his wife'. Not that it caused any confusion or anything.. *ahem*. My wonderful husband had spent his morning finding me a dress and shoes and tops and such.. just because. Well.. mostly because he couldn't find himself some shoes, but I suppose I'll forgive him. Leaving behind anything we didn't need, we headed back over to the Sheraton to see if we could fine our dear friend TwentyFourAtHeart who we'd been missing thus far and hoping to meet soon. No dice. Instead, we sat on a love seat in the rather crowded lobby and I tried to make myself disappear into my husband's chest. I was socially overwhelmed by this point and ready to go back to our room and crawl under the covers (or into the little fridge full of liquor.. but whatever.). But, Neil from Citizen of the Month would be having his session soon and Aman promised to help me sneak in.

I didn't have to sneak in. Along came Mary Anne, the Stiletto Mom and she let me borrow her badge so I could attend.. and as soon as she handed it to me? NakedJen stripped. It was awesome.. and akward. But that's okay.

I enjoyed Neil's session very much.. especially since I finally found TwentyFour there. I also had the pleasure of running into this nice fellow again and getting a picture together!

Have you met my new friend Karl? Because he is awesome!

Then it was time for the closing keynote.. We went back to the hotel to change for dinner and decided to just go back and chill in the lobby until it was time to head off to eat. This plan actually worked quite well. We even went to the cocktail party for a little bit.. but mostly to collect Neil for dinner.

Not that we ate Neil for dinner.. But rather he joined us, and TwentyFour, for dinner. Yeah.

Dinner Saturday was one of the best parts of our weekend. Despite the fact that we headed off in search of pizza and ended up with pasta, it was nice to get out with just these two good friends and not have the hustle and bustle of the crowds and shmoozing around us. It was so enjoyable, in fact, that we were quite late for BowlHer and decided to fore go it in favor of CheeseburgHer. Are you confused yet? Yeah. Well, we were just a little bummed that Aman and a few other of our tweeps didn't get to have PokeHer this year. For real.

And CheeseburgHer? Was like this..

Like... literally.

I did manage to meet Amy from TasteLikeCrazy before hand, another person we'd managed to miss most of the weekend, so that was awesome. But we stayed at the party just long enough to grab some wine and then made our way down and out to the patio along the river.

A very nice night to walk along the river.
Especially since I got to do so with TwentyFour.

We spent some more time in the Chi-Bar that night, since that's just what you do there apparently. Lots of laughs with awesome people and plenty of drinks to go around. Again, we headed back to our hotel around 2am.. without Mr. Muskrat..

TO BE CONTINUED...

BlogHer09 - a day late and a dollar short..

Why, yes.. I did go to BlogHer09!

Aman and I bought our tickets to BlogHer09 in Chicago back in February. He had some extra work lined up between then and July that was supposed to be wrapped up and paid up before our departure, so we had no worries.

Not exactly how things unfolded...

Once we realized we would indeed not be getting any checks for the work he's done over the past several months before going (or at least not any checks that were good.. *ahem*), we went ahead and sold his ticket. Luckily, my friend Father Muskrat had recently decided to attend as well and was looking for a ticket to trade up from his Lobbycon pass... and was also looking for a room. We made arrangements with him and he joined our room and exchanged his Lobbycon pass for Aman's weekend pass.

We were scheduled to pick up a rental vehicle to drive the kids down to my parents' in Keokuk and then go along our way to Chicago, because.. you know, we don't have a car. Which we're quite accustomed to now, and don't really mind much at all. We knew that we didn't have the full amount in the bank for the car, but normally rental places don't charge you for it until you return the vehicle.. Not the case this time.

We were unable to secure a vehicle.. and thus, our plans began to unravel. As we grasped desperately at the string and tried to keep things from dissolving completely, we announced on Twitter that I was now selling my ticket.. and perhaps also the Lobbycon pass. We figured, since we could get a van on Friday we'd at least drive over for the parties and the second half of the conference. Better late than never, right?

I sold my ticket to Danielle, the creator of the Celebrity Baby Blog and, in the end, decided to keep my Lobbycon pass so that I could at least catch a little of the conference and take advantage of the vendor access. Not that I did. But whatever.

We picked up the van as early as we could on Friday morning, with the help of Mr. Kelly (thanks, Mr Kelly!), and were on our way to Keokuk. Surprisingly, our trip to Keokuk was uneventful.. aside from having to convince the boys to pee on the side of the road because, HELLO, we're driving in Iowa and there's not that many truck stops or gas stations to be found. There are, however, a LOT of cornfields.. and bean fields.. and gravel for little boys to pee in.

I'm totally going to have to get some Go-Girls when my daughters are out of diapers.

And no, I did not get a Go-Girl at BlogHer. Apparently, I'm just. not. that. cool.

We dumped our kids at my parents' house around lunchtime, snuck out the back door, and grabbed some McDonald's on our way out of town. We were on our way to Chicago! Woohoo!!

I totally made the comment as we crossed the river into Illinois that "At least we'll be driving in Illinois now.. so we'll have more to see than endless cornfields!"

Right.

"Oh, look hon... another cornfield." Only Illinois is much flatter, so you don't get to see all the cool farmhouses and barns like you do in Iowa. Bummer.

We stopped in La Salle, which is about halfway between Iowa City and Chicago (and the majority of you are now saying.. 'um... okay. so?') at the Flying J truck stop (and if you're not from the Midwest, you probably have no idea what that is..), where my Vibram 5 Finger shoes were a huge hit. I mean, lady in the bathroom who stopped her husband in the hall and pointed at me and also everyone else in the checkout line hit. I don't even know if they noticed my hair, they were busy looking at my shoes. Heh.

We finally approached Chicago around 7pm. From a distance, it looked a little like Des Moines.. only bigger, taller, and a lot grayer.

Seriously, from that distance, you can see the Des Moines skyline clearly.

We drove around for a while.. you know because we got lost just for fun. And after circling our hotel like 3 times, Aman called them (because I was too chicken. I made him drive in a strange place AND get directions over the phone.. am awesome.) to figure out how the heck we were supposed to get to their front door. And, when we got to the front door? We turned around and drove off to find a parking garage to stow our vehicle in so that we could pay $30/24hrs instead of $52/24hrs. Yeah.

We lugged our luggage (cause that's what you're supposed to do with it.. duh.) up to our hotel room, and I may have peed my pants a little when I looked out the window.

"Okay, we saw Chicago. We can go home now, right?"

Aman sat down and pulled out the laptop, hoping to get online and figure out the who, what, where, and when for the evening.. Only the promised 'free wi-fi' didn't actually exist. It was even more mythical than unicorns.. but not as mythical as The Bloggess.

I love hotel beds.. so squishy and comfy. Forget parties! Let's nap..

So, we decided to hoof it over to the Sheraton across the street and see who we could find and what we could find out.. We ended up having dinner with these fine folks.. and then some.

I stole this from BJ Henry, and yes, Undomestic Diva is groping herself. Brittany and I just turned away and let her have at it..
More less than mythical creatures (Avitable, Backpackingdad, and Redneckmommy).. I totally forgot to have Redneckmommy sign my boob, but she did agree to. I'm totally going to take her up on it next time. Oh, and that's not so much a 'Hey there's a cool chick over there.' point as it is a 'Hey there's another camera pointed at us.' point. So there.

After dinner was the MamaPopRocks! party and it was promised to be magical. It was totally magical. Almost as magical as Joset from Halushki recognizing me at the door and giving me the go ahead without checking her list.. but not as magical as my shoes breaking on the way back to the Sheraton.

First stop? The liquid courage table.

Hello, Templeton Rye guy! Will you be my new best friend??

The party was big, sparkly, loud, and full of people that were made of awesome. I met so many rad bloggers that I've gotten to know over the past year or so that I was quite overwhelmed by the end of the night! Aman and I were quite humbled and honored to have several people come up to US and be excited to meet us! Trust me the feeling was mutual. People like BusyDad, and Palinode, and Schmutzie, and MsBanshee, and Miss Grace, and Angry Julie, and Neil, and.. I could go on and on.

And there was silliness.

Yes, they are on the phone with each other. What? it was loud!
I got licked. AND she let me touch that piece of awesomeness on her back. YES.
I told you.. this table? The place to be.

Also? we were too excited to get our camera under control. Yeah. Parties are not so great for taking awesome pictures.We did manage to get a few decent shots though..

Massacred unicorn rump..
She was kind enough to kiss me before licking me.
The elusive Muskrat dancing with Miss Britt.. seriously, you'd think we'd have seen more of each other since we were rooming together!
Becky, Childsplayx2, and BJHenry.. I promise, this isn't how the rumors started..
Awesome people boogie down.

But, everyone knows, that when the party is 'over' it's really just beginning. Several of us went over to the Chi-Bar in the hotel and shmoozed and boozed some more. It was awesome to hang out with Angry Julie, Lex, EmmieJ, and BJ some more. Totally cool people!

Californians seem to think we're pretty cool.

We made our way back to our room around 2am and crawled into bed, making note of the fact that apparently Muskrats are nocturnal or something.. Thus ending the first day of BlogHer.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Never Let Go - Part 7

Sara felt herself growing more and more conflicted in her relationship with Matt. She really, genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but there were those moments.. few and far between, but still there. Moments when he was harsh. Moments when he was controlling. Moments when he'd mock her. She could not ignore them.

The day before she was supposed to move in with Matt, Sara began unpacking. She locked the doors, having retrieved he key from him, and did not answer his calls until late in the afternoon. When she did finally talk to him, she knew she'd have to tell him she wasn't moving in with him.

"How is packing going? You done yet?" he asked.
"I'm actually unpacking, Matt. I'm not moving."
"What?? Why? I don't understand.."
"I can't do it. I'm just not ready." she answered.
"But we've been over this, Sara. It's better this way. It just makes more sense."
"I know, Matt. But I'm just not ready. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. It's okay. I'll get over it."
"Really?"
"What do you mean, 'really?'.. do I have a choice?"
"Well.. no. I guess not."
"I'd rather have a relationship with you while you're still living there, than not have one at all. I love you Sara. I don't ever want to let go of you."
"Thank you for understanding, Matt. I love you too."

Sara felt light as a feather after the conversation. She felt almost silly for being so cautious and fearful. What was she afraid of? She laughed to herself as she put some more books back on her shelf and felt nothing but optimism about their future together.. It was almost enough for her to change her mind again. But she resisted. Something held her back.

It was back to happy times for Matt and Sara. Everything was peaceful between them and she felt confident that the 'incidents' were now behind them, chalking it up to working out the kinks between them as any couple might early in their relationship.

So why did she feel herself growing distant from him? Days and weeks went by and the longer he was nice to her, the more freedom he seemed to give her, the less interested in him she was. She began to wonder what in the world was wrong with her!

Finally, she couldn't stand the weirdness the whole relationship had taken on and decided it was time to break up and move on. Sara could honestly say that she no longer was in love with Matt. Sure, she was very fond of him and they were great friends now.. but she just wasn't in love with him. She invited him to take a walk in Lithia park on a brisk fall afternoon.

"Matt, I'd like to talk to you."
"Oh?" he forced a smile and let out a nervous chuckle, "This isn't the 'let's be friends' talk, is it?"
How did he know? Am I that obvious? Sara felt a surge of anxiety and was so happy to be in a public place.. that old fear started to seep back in.
"Matt, I just feel like we've grown apart.."
"I knew it." his eyes rolled back in his head and he threw his arms up in the air.
"I'm sorry. I like you. I really really do. And things have been really good for so long now.. I hate to do this. But I just don't have feelings for you like that any more and I don't want to waste your time or mine."
"I have never felt that any of our time together has been wasted." he said flatly.
"I didn't say that I felt I was wasting time with you.. " Sara sighed in frustration. The words just did not seem to be coming out right. "I'm sorry, Matt. But, I'm moving to Chicago in a week."
"What?? a week? What are you talking about?"
"I got a call about a job a little over a week ago and I've decided to take it. I've given it a lot of thought and it's a really good opportunity for me. I'm moving."
"Okay.. fine. But why can't we stay together? I'm sure we could make it work."
"No, Matt. I don't want to make it work."
"I'll move with you! Sara. You can't do this. You can't just let go. I told you I'd never let go of you." Matt's words were pleading, but his voice was urgent and firm as he grabbed her arm and held her tight. Sara was getting nervous and debated running from him.
"Matt. No. It's over. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm moving in a week, and you're not coming."
"You're going to regret that decision, Sara." Matt said coldly as he turned and walked away, sending a shiver down her spine.

Never Let Go - Part 6

In case you missed some and would like to catch up.. The rest of Never Let Go.

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Sara didn't hear from Matt for over a week after that day.

Part of her was relieved, but for some reason she felt the need to bring him back. She began to realize in that week just how much of her life she had let go of during the course of their relationship. She felt bad for ignoring her friends the way she had, but she didn't feel that she could call them now. What would she say? They would never understand.

So instead, she called Matt. And called him and called him. She even went to his apartment and knocked on his door, but there was no answer. Then he just showed up again. He showed up at her front door with flowers in his hands and a smile on his face.

“I'm so sorry.” he said to her, sweetly. “I was so wrong for the way I treated you. Please, let me make it up to you? I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't ever happen again..”

Sara melted at the sight of his smile again. It was as if that morning in the kitchen never happened. Sure, there was a small voice deep inside her screaming No! Please don't take him back! Don't trust him, don't do it! But it was surprisingly easy for her to quiet it with explanations of how it was her fault in the first place and if she'd just be nicer to him, she wouldn't have to worry.

She was in control of the situation.

Sara let Matt in the house and led the way to the kitchen where they put the flowers in water and then decided to pack a picnic to share in Lithia Park. It was a beautiful day, and there was no reason not to go out and enjoy it together.

Things went along very smoothly for quite some time after that, and Sara grew more and more confident in her decision to let Matt back into her life. She was especially grateful for him in light of the fact that it seemed all her friends had simply moved on and forgotten her. At times, she felt like he was all she had.

As the weeks turned into months, she grew more and more in love with him. The way he looked at her, the way he laughed with her.. they had so much fun together. It wasn't long before Sara accepted Matt's offer to move in with him. They were spending so much time together, they might as well save a little money on rent and live together, right? Sara started packing.

But the more she packed the more Matt told her she needed to leave behind. It soon became a battle over what Sara got to keep and what she had to leave behind. She felt that he was being unfair but understood that it was his apartment she was moving into. One evening, he came over to help her go through some of her things and pack but he ended up leaving in a huff as she pleaded with him to let her keep a few boxes of old letters that she'd kept from her childhood and teens. Letters from friends that she'd been pen-pals with for years. He said she was being silly and selfish and should just throw them out. She refused and he stormed off, slamming the door behind him.

That night, Sara went to bed feeling confused. She loved Matt so much. He was all she had now. But she was starting to rethink her decision to move in with him. The heaviness of the decision weighed on her as she thought of just letting go of so many of her things, so much of her life, so much of herself.. She wasn't so sure she was ready to do that. After all, he had hurt her before. Sure, it was in the past now, and things were better. But it did happen. She hadn't forgotten.

She wanted to back out. She wanted to stay where she was and not move. But Sara began to feel scared at the thought of changing her plans with Matt. She was afraid of offending him. She was afraid to go against his wishes. She was afraid of making him angry. This isn't right. I shouldn't be afraid. Why am I afraid? Nothing bad is going to happen.

She drifted off to sleep, convincing herself she was silly for being so scared. Of course Matt would understand that there were just some things that she didn't want to leave behind. Or perhaps she would see if someone would hold on to them for her for a while. Something would work out. Maybe he was right.. maybe she should just let go and move on. She was being rather silly and selfish. Things would work out fine.

Sara woke to the sound of a key dropping on her night stand. She opened her eyes but the room was still dark. A silhouette walked around her bed and she sat up quickly.

"Who's there?” she demanded.

"Ssshh..” an amused chuckle followed as her mattress shifted and she realized in her grogginess that someone was on her bed crawling over her.

"It's just me baby.. I couldn't let us go to bed angry, darling..” Matt whispered in the darkness as he pulled the covers off her and ran his hands over her body tugging at her pajamas.

"Matt, stop it.” she whispered back. “What are you doing here, how did you get in?”

"A key.” he breathed in her ear as he kissed her neck.

"Matt, please.. stop.”

"Sssshhh.. Let's not go to bed angry.” he said as he pushed her back down on the bed and lay on top of her.

"Matt.. you're hurting me.”

"Sara, don't be ridiculous. I would never hurt you.. I love you.”

Sara felt his weight pressing her into the mattress and she wished it would just open up and swallow her whole as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to talk herself into being okay with what was happening to her..

Never Let Go - Part 5

Sara woke feeling groggy and confused. Her head hurt and her body felt as if it was stuck in mud. Laying in bed for a few more minutes, she tried to recall the night before.

At first, she came up blank. Then, Oh yeah.. date with Matt. She slowly replayed the dinner, the after meal stroll, and coming home in her mind. But then things were very foggy, fear crept in and a shiver ran down her spine. I can't remember.

Sara sat up carefully, swinging her legs over the side of the bed in preparation for a trip to the bathroom. Her crotch hurt. Oh, no. No no no no no.. What did I DO? What happened? Come on brain.. think. THINK. She felt embarrassed, self-conscious, and ashamed. But she didn't know why. Oh, jeez.. what Matt must think of me... Matt. As she thought of him, a lump of anger rose within her. She couldn't think of why she might be angry with him, but it was there. She dismissed it as just being angry at herself for the whole embarrassing situation.

Sara stood and walked to the bathroom, she still felt slightly sluggish but she made it okay. She pulled on some sweats and ran a brush through her hair before gathering it into a pony tail, and then went downstairs. As she entered the hall to the kitchen, she could smell bacon and hear someone moving around in the kitchen. That's odd.. Ms. Worthington should be at work by now..

As she walked into the kitchen, she saw Matt standing at the stove scrambling eggs. He turned when he heard her come in and smiled at her.

"Hey, sleepy head. You sleep okay?" he greeted her. She felt indignant yet vulnerable in his presence and wondered both why and how he was in the house. Surely, he hadn't been there all night?

"I'm... okay. What.. How did you get in?" she answered.

"Your key." he replied with a smile as he held up her house key. Sara's cheeks felt hot and she grabbed at the key, but Matt snatched it up away from her with a playful look. "What's the matter with you?"

"I think you should go, Matt.. I'm not feeling well."

"No."

"What??"

"No." The playfulness quickly dissolved into anger. "I come over here to make you breakfast and you kick me out!? What the hell is wrong with you Sara?"

"I.. I just don't feel.." Sara stammered as he stood there scowling at her.

"I don't want to hear your stupid excuses. You have someone else coming over here, don't you!" he turned away from the stove, hot spatula still in hand.

"No.. no, I.."

"Shut up!" he shouted as he swung and struck her in the face with the spatula. She cried out as searing pain spread across her face and her cheek burned red. Sara cowered and slumped into a chair at the table, but Matt came after her and, dropping the spatula on the table, lifted her out of the chair and shook her. "I've been so good to you, and this is how you treat me!? First trying to wear that slutty dress last night on a date with me, and now kicking me out when all I did was try to make you breakfast??" he shook her one more time before dropping her onto the floor and turning to walk out. On his way, he knocked the pan of eggs off the stove on to the floor.

"Make your own damn breakfast, bitch." he spat as he walked out of the kitchen.

Sara drew her knees to her chest as she sat on the kitchen floor and let the tears come. She listened as Matt walked down the hall and out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Never Let Go - Part 4

For those of you just joining us, or if you'd like to reread the first few instalments, go here. Sorry it's been a few weeks since the last segment, life ran away with my brain and things have been rather hectic. Thank you for not abandoning me understanding.
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After a few weeks of going out with friends and attending various parties, Sara and Matt were about to have their first night out on their own. Sara was enjoying the pace of the relationship and Matt didn't seem to be in a rush either. Normally, she would have been on her own with a boyfriend at this point, but something about him made her somewhat hesitant. Still, they'd been thoroughly enjoying each other's company and even Sara's friends were quite taken with the charming young man.

But there were moments, when she would catch him staring at her with that mocking grin that she'd caught in the moonlight in Lithia Park, and it never failed to send a shiver down her spine.

Matt was picking her up at 7 and she was giving herself one last look in the mirror as she heard the knock on the door. She grabbed a sweater and headed for the door.

"Hey there." she said smiling, as she opened the door to greet him. He looked so handsome in his dark jeans, green t-shirt, and leather jacket, she couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious in his presence. He wrinkled his nose at her as he looked her up and down.

"I don't like that dress." His words stung, and Sara could tell by his tone that he expected her to change before they left. She felt indignant, hurt, confused, and a little angry. Her heart raced and a feeling of desperation set in as she wrestled with the choice of obliging him or ignoring him.

Feeling very small and a little helpless, Sara tried to form a response.

"Really? I.. uh.. I have another one that I was thinking about wearing.. I'll go put that on instead." as the words fell out of her mouth, she couldn't help but say in her head 'No! what are you doing??' It was as if this boy had some power over her, she wasn't so sure how she felt about that.

Sara looked in the mirror when she went into her room to change. He's right, really. It doesn't look good on me at all. Totally not my color. She took the dress off and picked up a slightly more modest blue one off her bed, where she'd tossed it when she passed it up for the clingier red one, and slipped it on. Much better, she thought. Definitely more 'me'.

Matt smiled at her as she walked back out to meet him. "Much better." he said approvingly. Somehow his words comforted her and she felt as if she'd won in some small way. His approving smile eased the sting of the initial insult.

The rest of the evening was lovely. A romantic dinner outside and a short stroll through the streets of downtown Ashland. Matt walked her to her door after their date and leaned against the wall as she slipped her key into the lock. She turned to say good night to him and he quickly pulled her to him and kissed her. Reaching his arm around her, he opened the door, pulled her into the house, and closed it behind him.

I don't recall inviting him in.. Sara thought to herself as she squirmed a little in his arms.

"What's wrong?" he asked with his teasing smile lighting up his face.

"Nothing.. I just.." she stammered as he held her tighter.

"Shhh.." he placed his finger over her lips. "We don't want to wake the old lady now, do we?"

"I feel funny.." Sara said, her head suddenly was spinning and her vision blurred. She felt as though she might pass out and leaned into Matt.

"I know, babe.. Just relax. Let's go sit on the couch for a bit. You probably just had too much wine." his voice was gentle and lilting.

"Can you help me upstairs? I think I should go to bed." she couldn't think straight and her bed sounded just about perfect at this point.

"Of course. Good idea." he answered with a grin as he helped her up the stairs.

Sara could barely put one foot in front of the other by the time they reached the top of the stairs. Matt carefully helped her into her bed and pulled off her shoes.

And that was the last thing she could remember..

Poetry Thursday

Ladybugs

Ladybugs, ladybugs everywhere,
ladybugs landing in my hair.
Float and flutter
swirl and swish..
Don't land there!
Uh-oh,
squish.

Never Let Go - Part 2

It was Much Ado About Nothing, the final play of that year's Shakespeare Festival, and tonight was sold out.

It was hot in the Elizabethan Stage, as always. But the wooden architecture and maze of rooms throughout lent itself so nicely to playing the part that it was, by far, Sara's favorite venue to perform in. And tonight felt as if it might be the culmination of her time with this theater group, as she dressed for her role of Hero.

Backstage was the usual bustle and chaos of the last 15 minutes before the show would open. The performers busy with dressing themselves, rehearsing lines, applying make-up, or tending to the divas of the theater. The air was heavy with body heat and the sound of lilting voices as everyone warmed up. Sara finished prepping herself and gave one last check in the mirror before heading up the narrow stair case and walking down the hallway to stage left to stand in wait of her cue.

The open air theater was packed in tight and a hush fell over the audience as the light came over the empty stage. Sara stood, poised and ready, as the butterflies filled her stomach and the near nausea set in with the rush of adrenaline that would overtake her right before any performance. Sara loved the sensation, tingles running down her spine and a lump rising in her throat. Sara breathed deep and let a broad smile spread across her face as the music began and they all danced across the stage in a lighthearted rendition of "Hey, Nonny Nonny".

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
    Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
    To one thing constant never;
        Then sigh not so,
        But let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no mo,
    Or dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
    Since summer first was leavy.
        Then sigh not so, 
        But let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into. Hey, nonny, nonny.

Sara performed her role perfectly and proudly walked out onto the stage with the rest of the ensemble for a final bow before heading back to her dressing room to change.

After the show, Tom and Lily informed her of the plans for the cast to gather at Standing Stone for an after show celebration. Sara agreed to meet them all there and gathered her things together.

As she exited the theater, she noticed a tall, handsome young man standing near the door with a bundle of roses in his hands. He spotted her and smiled as he headed her way.

"You were amazing tonight!" he exclaimed.
"Um.. thank you." Sara replied, wondering if she knew this fellow.
"I'm sorry.. how rude of me." he said, noticing her confusion at his abruptness. "I'm Matt. I'm a friend of Diane's and she's been talking about what a wonderful job you've done in the role of Hero here. I had to come see it for myself." he explained as he handed the roses to her. They were white, her favorite.
"Oh, I see! It's nice to meet you, Matt. My name is Sara.. though, I suppose you already knew that." she answered, blushing a little.

The boy was devilishly handsome and Sara was having a hard time not staring at his bright blue eyes as they looked at her through his shaggy brown hair. She felt breathless and a little intimidated in his presence and could not figure out why. It was uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time and Sara found herself stifling the desire to reach out and sweep the curled tendrils from his forehead so she could get a better look at his face.

"I was just on my way over to Standing Stone for a drink with my cast mates. Would.. would you like to join us?" she eagerly awaited his response.
"Yes! Yes, I would." he answered with a big smile, showing off his straight white teeth again. He turned and offered her his elbow, which she gladly took as they walked down the street toward the restaurant enjoying the warm summer night.

Random Tuesday Thoughts - God Needs Pants Too.

I love home schooling.

No really, I do.

You see, I bitch and moan and complain about it A LOT when I'm disorganized. Because, you know, if I'm disorganized, then my kids are disorganized.. and if my kids are disorganized, then it just isn't going to happen.

Jo just stole the last bit of my burrito, squeezed the filling out onto her plate, and then gave it back. She's awesome.

I finally had time to get my organizer out and write out what needs to be done on what days for the summer.. things are now moving along smoothly once again with school. Not only do the kids see right there in front of me what is 'on the list' for today, but they also see it checked off when they are done - visible progress.

We like visible progress.

Like the progress we made on spring cleaning last weekend due to the fact that my parents were coming to visit. There's nothing like a visit from my mother to get my rear in gear! We de-crap-ified our dining room and kitchen which even included moving a few put-shits up to the attic. It's much nicer in here now.. even if there is a bit of an echo.. echo echo echo...

Where was I?

Oh, home schooling.

So yesterday, I had to make these folder things for the kids for their reading. Unfortunately, I suck at following directions. You see.. oh, nevermind. it's confusing. Let's just say that in the end they were supposed to have two sets of words on small pieces of paper - a group of /oo/ as in 'book' and a group of /oo/ as in 'spoon' words. Inside the folder, there was a slot for each group of words. But mom had them write the wrong words on the papers.. am awesome.

So I made the folders and then realized my mistake.. so what did I do? "Here guys.. just draw a picture on them or something.."

What the hell is this supposed to be shaped like?? The orange one.. in the middle there.. The things I find in my breakfast bowl...

So KJ starts drawing his usual stick figures and such. I start cleaning up reading stuff to make room for math books and glance at his drawing. It was.. interesting. He noticed me looking at what looked like an 'm' on the top of one leg and what looked like.. um.. a rocketship? on the top of the other.

He says to me "That's an 'm', and that's a 'puppet'." I laughed at him and said, "Okaaay... sure." and continue switching the books.

Then he says, "Actually, that's a butt, and that's a weiner." Only he's drawn pants around the figure now and is coloring them in. "That's why I drew pants on him." To which I reply, "Well, that's good. Even stick figures shouldn't go around with butts and weiners hanging out all willy nilly."

But that wasn't the end of it.. Oh no. There were more surprises in store for me. Here is the finished product:

Yep, God love KJ, and KJ loves God.. So much that KJ was kind enough to give God some pants.

In other news.. Last night I discovered that someone had posted the first part of my new short story, Never Let Go, on their news paper website blog thingie. Since I included Ashland, OR as a location in my story, it gained me some attention from Ashland Daily Tidings and they shared my story! I think that's awesome. But would love it if next time someone wants to share my work, they at least let me know they're doing so. Kthankx.

Part 2 of said story will likely be up tomorrow or Thursday.. Not sure. I'm working on that as well as my book, so it just depends on what I make more progress with. Patience people.

Really though, I just want to give you all more time to check out Part 1. So get on it.

My husband made me this for Mother's Day.

It was yummy.

Now go check out Keely, the fearless leader of the Random Tuesday Thoughts crew.

Peace out, homies!