Why do you call it CHRISTmas??

I realize I may lose readers by saying this.. but I'm going to say it anyway..

I mean, honestly.. it's kind of insulting. If you are not CHRISTian.. and you celebrate that holiday that falls on December 25, why do you call it CHRISTmas?? Why not just call it GIVINGmas? or SOLSTICEmas? or WINTERmas? Wouldn't that make more sense? or.. better yet, make fun of our economy's stance and call it SPENDmas! After all, Christmas is the season for spending.. right? Because with out spending there would be not giving, and no recieving, right??

Wrong.

Because Christmas is about recieving Christ. It's about God giving His son. It's not about 'holiday spirit', it's about the Holy Spirit. And if you don't believe in any of it, why call it Christmas? why even celebrate it?

I once asked a friend of mine this. Her mother and step-father are Christian. Her husband is an ex-Mormon. She is a 'non-believer'. For her children? she plans to 'present both sides of the argument and let them decide'. I asked her one year (I was providing part time babysitting for her son at the time), 'Why do you celebrate Christmas? I mean.. what is it about in your house?'

She said: Well, you know.. we like to do the Santa thing and celebrate the season of giving and stuff like that. I don't know.. it's just fun, you know? Why not?

I don't get it.

Yes, I realize that the December 25 holiday is not 'in fact' the day Christ was born. I fully understand that the whole holiday came about as a response from the church to the heathens and their seasonal celebrations. They wanted to give the heathens a Christian holiday to celebrate so that they could still enjoy holiday tradidions but with a Christian spin. They created Christmas. The way I explain this to my children: You know how sometimes you have a birthday party on a day that's not really your birthday? because that day, for whatever reason, works better for celebrating? That's kind of what Christmas is like. It's not the day Jesus was born, but it IS the day we celebrate his birth.

A lot of Christians get a bit miffed over the whole PC issue that has come up in recent years - the idea that we should all be saying 'Happy Holidays' instead of Merry Christmas. Honestly? I don't mind it at all. Partly because one of our best friends happens to be Jewish. It does make more sense to go about with 'Happy Holidays' on our lips, because we never know what the recipient might actually celebrate.

J asked a WalMart checker the other day "How was your Christmas?" without really thinking much of it. The young man answered "Actually, I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Hannukah." To which we replied "Well, Happy Hannukah then! how is it going?" and had a conversation about what kind of traditions his family had and about our favorite Jewish foods and where to get them. Mmmm... Maybe I'll make some latkes this weekend..

Anyhow. So yeah, it irritates me that so many people claim to celebrate Christmas. I wish they would just get over it and come up with some other secular name for what they celebrate - like Clausemas, or Buycrapmas or something like that.. and quit claiming a Christian holiday as their own. Not just all the non-believers out there, but especially those who claim to be atheist and say they celebrate Christmas. For real? 'I am certain there is NO God.. but I will celebrate the birth of His son.' HA!

No, I don't believe that Christmas is for everyone. I don't care if you want to pass out presents on December 25.. but why not just call it Santa Day or some other stupid name? If there is no Christ, there is no Christmas.

idiots on the internet.. not for the faint of heart!

J: "Speaking of leg-humping dogs.. my co-worker told me a funny story the other day.."

I know, I know.. not the conversation you'd expect to have while eating brunch at Cracker Barrel with your best friend (E) and his wife (R) before they fly back to California.. But, what can I say, I married a man with panache. (Yes, I did.. so shaddup.)

J: "So my co-worker knows a lady up north a bit who frequents some of Iowa's illustrious bike trails. One day, she's out on the trail riding and hears a noise, just off the trail, up ahead.. She peeks over as she's passing and there, pretty much out in the open, is a lady who's totally going at it with some dude.. like going way downtown on him. Shocked (and, not to mention a bit disgusted) by her discovery, she just continued on her way and tried to forget what she just saw. She didn't want to let the image linger too long for fear of recognizing them.. it is, after all, a pretty small town. Little did she know, she was in for much worse.."

He paused as the waitress poured more coffee in our mugs and glanced at the kids to make sure they were still ravenously devouring their food (I swear, you'd think we never feed them..) and not paying attention to the boring grown-up talk. He leaned in, lowered his voice a bit, and continued..

J: "So, the next time she's out on the trail, she's passing by the SAME spot and hears noises again. She, rather hesitantly, looks over again as she passes.. only this time she sees a man on all fours with a dog behind him, giving it to him.. well.. doggie style."

R: "No! Are you serious??"

J: "Yes. But wait, it gets better. So when she gets home, she thinks 'That's enough. I need to report this to someone.' So she calls the department of parks and rec or animal control or something, and tells her story. The lady on the other end, a friend of said trail patron, is rather disturbed by the tale at first.. then, she says 'Wait.. what did the dog look like??' So the woman describes the dog to her. 'Oh... gosh. that's MY dog.. um.. shoot... .. What did the man look like?' So she describes the man to her.. 'Oh shit! That's Uncle Bob! Dang it... We told him not to do that in public anymore!'"

(insert shocked laughter here)

R: "No way!"
E: "In public!?! As in 'It's fine at home, Bob.. but please, not in public!'?"
R: "Seriously, who DOES that?? Can the dude not get a girlfriend? or does he just prefer canines?"
Me: "Well.. Some people do.."
J: "True, there's whole p*rn sites dedicated to it. Besides, I guess the guy is a little retarded."
Me: "Um.. yeah. I think you'd have to be to do it in public.. with a DOG."
R: "It really begs the question.. how does one get a dog to DO that??"
Me: "Exactly. I mean, it's not exactly and instinctual behavior.."
R: "Unless, perhaps, he found some way of extracting the scent of a bitch in heat and rubbed it on his nethers.."
J: "Well, apparently it's not TOO hard to figure out.. After all, the guy isn't that bright."
E: "Well, he probably doesn't have to be Einstein. I'm sure any idiot with internet access could figure it out."

Me: "Dude. You just described the entire United States."