Never Let Go - Part 8

This time, packing and preparing for a move was much more peaceful. Sara didn't hear from Matt for the duration of that time.. She was a bit unnerved by it, to be honest. Part of her felt a little guilty for just dumping him the way she did and she had to fight the urge to call him up, apologize, and beg him to take her back.. But still, there was that underlying hesitation. She was also afraid. A shiver would run through her any time she imagined herself with him again. No. No more. The days leading up to her departure were tense and she was always looking over her shoulder, always expecting him to somehow sneak up on her.. not knowing what she would do if he did, not trusting herself.

Luckily, no one was ever there.

Sara's move went smoothly, perfectly really. She got settled into her apartment in Chicago quickly, and enjoyed her new job as an apprentice in a local theater. It was only about a month before she found an opportunity to audition for a big role and was accepted. Her heart soared as her dreams finally started to take flight. She missed the beautiful Elizabethan Theater in Ashland, but was thrilled to be on to bigger and brighter venues. She immersed herself in the escape of playing a part and becoming someone else. What a blissful break from her own life and her own troubles!

And then the phone calls started. Sara didn't know how Matt managed to find her number, but he did. He'd call at night and cry over the phone, begging for her to come back. Plead into the answering machine for her to let him come to Chicago. He'd remind her of how good things were before she left and longed to understand why she waited until things had improved to leave him. After a few weeks of that, she changed her number. But she felt awful. After all, he'd changed, right? Why didn't she give him another chance?

She began to feel as if she was the one who was screwed up, she was the one who was wrong. Apparently, she could only be happy if things were bad. Apparently, she just couldn't find it in her to love him unless he was being manipulative and abusive. What is wrong with me? she wondered.

She missed him. She missed him terribly. And she fought the urge to give in and fly back to Ashland.

A few more weeks went by without the phone calls and the ache finally began to subside. Sara was finally able to open her eyes and see just how much power Matt had over her. But still, she didn't hate him. She had little reason to at this point.. she'd managed to get out before things got worse. What might have happened had she stayed? What would the next offense be?

She reminded herself of this as she walked down this Chicago street to the theater on a brisk fall morning. Sure, she missed him. But the sadness of being homesick and wanting to be in his arms again paled in comparison to the relief she felt at being smart enough and brave enough to stand up and walk away.

Never Let Go - Part 7

Sara felt herself growing more and more conflicted in her relationship with Matt. She really, genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but there were those moments.. few and far between, but still there. Moments when he was harsh. Moments when he was controlling. Moments when he'd mock her. She could not ignore them.

The day before she was supposed to move in with Matt, Sara began unpacking. She locked the doors, having retrieved he key from him, and did not answer his calls until late in the afternoon. When she did finally talk to him, she knew she'd have to tell him she wasn't moving in with him.

"How is packing going? You done yet?" he asked.
"I'm actually unpacking, Matt. I'm not moving."
"What?? Why? I don't understand.."
"I can't do it. I'm just not ready." she answered.
"But we've been over this, Sara. It's better this way. It just makes more sense."
"I know, Matt. But I'm just not ready. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. It's okay. I'll get over it."
"Really?"
"What do you mean, 'really?'.. do I have a choice?"
"Well.. no. I guess not."
"I'd rather have a relationship with you while you're still living there, than not have one at all. I love you Sara. I don't ever want to let go of you."
"Thank you for understanding, Matt. I love you too."

Sara felt light as a feather after the conversation. She felt almost silly for being so cautious and fearful. What was she afraid of? She laughed to herself as she put some more books back on her shelf and felt nothing but optimism about their future together.. It was almost enough for her to change her mind again. But she resisted. Something held her back.

It was back to happy times for Matt and Sara. Everything was peaceful between them and she felt confident that the 'incidents' were now behind them, chalking it up to working out the kinks between them as any couple might early in their relationship.

So why did she feel herself growing distant from him? Days and weeks went by and the longer he was nice to her, the more freedom he seemed to give her, the less interested in him she was. She began to wonder what in the world was wrong with her!

Finally, she couldn't stand the weirdness the whole relationship had taken on and decided it was time to break up and move on. Sara could honestly say that she no longer was in love with Matt. Sure, she was very fond of him and they were great friends now.. but she just wasn't in love with him. She invited him to take a walk in Lithia park on a brisk fall afternoon.

"Matt, I'd like to talk to you."
"Oh?" he forced a smile and let out a nervous chuckle, "This isn't the 'let's be friends' talk, is it?"
How did he know? Am I that obvious? Sara felt a surge of anxiety and was so happy to be in a public place.. that old fear started to seep back in.
"Matt, I just feel like we've grown apart.."
"I knew it." his eyes rolled back in his head and he threw his arms up in the air.
"I'm sorry. I like you. I really really do. And things have been really good for so long now.. I hate to do this. But I just don't have feelings for you like that any more and I don't want to waste your time or mine."
"I have never felt that any of our time together has been wasted." he said flatly.
"I didn't say that I felt I was wasting time with you.. " Sara sighed in frustration. The words just did not seem to be coming out right. "I'm sorry, Matt. But, I'm moving to Chicago in a week."
"What?? a week? What are you talking about?"
"I got a call about a job a little over a week ago and I've decided to take it. I've given it a lot of thought and it's a really good opportunity for me. I'm moving."
"Okay.. fine. But why can't we stay together? I'm sure we could make it work."
"No, Matt. I don't want to make it work."
"I'll move with you! Sara. You can't do this. You can't just let go. I told you I'd never let go of you." Matt's words were pleading, but his voice was urgent and firm as he grabbed her arm and held her tight. Sara was getting nervous and debated running from him.
"Matt. No. It's over. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm moving in a week, and you're not coming."
"You're going to regret that decision, Sara." Matt said coldly as he turned and walked away, sending a shiver down her spine.

Never Let Go - Part 6

In case you missed some and would like to catch up.. The rest of Never Let Go.

*************************************************************
Sara didn't hear from Matt for over a week after that day.

Part of her was relieved, but for some reason she felt the need to bring him back. She began to realize in that week just how much of her life she had let go of during the course of their relationship. She felt bad for ignoring her friends the way she had, but she didn't feel that she could call them now. What would she say? They would never understand.

So instead, she called Matt. And called him and called him. She even went to his apartment and knocked on his door, but there was no answer. Then he just showed up again. He showed up at her front door with flowers in his hands and a smile on his face.

“I'm so sorry.” he said to her, sweetly. “I was so wrong for the way I treated you. Please, let me make it up to you? I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't ever happen again..”

Sara melted at the sight of his smile again. It was as if that morning in the kitchen never happened. Sure, there was a small voice deep inside her screaming No! Please don't take him back! Don't trust him, don't do it! But it was surprisingly easy for her to quiet it with explanations of how it was her fault in the first place and if she'd just be nicer to him, she wouldn't have to worry.

She was in control of the situation.

Sara let Matt in the house and led the way to the kitchen where they put the flowers in water and then decided to pack a picnic to share in Lithia Park. It was a beautiful day, and there was no reason not to go out and enjoy it together.

Things went along very smoothly for quite some time after that, and Sara grew more and more confident in her decision to let Matt back into her life. She was especially grateful for him in light of the fact that it seemed all her friends had simply moved on and forgotten her. At times, she felt like he was all she had.

As the weeks turned into months, she grew more and more in love with him. The way he looked at her, the way he laughed with her.. they had so much fun together. It wasn't long before Sara accepted Matt's offer to move in with him. They were spending so much time together, they might as well save a little money on rent and live together, right? Sara started packing.

But the more she packed the more Matt told her she needed to leave behind. It soon became a battle over what Sara got to keep and what she had to leave behind. She felt that he was being unfair but understood that it was his apartment she was moving into. One evening, he came over to help her go through some of her things and pack but he ended up leaving in a huff as she pleaded with him to let her keep a few boxes of old letters that she'd kept from her childhood and teens. Letters from friends that she'd been pen-pals with for years. He said she was being silly and selfish and should just throw them out. She refused and he stormed off, slamming the door behind him.

That night, Sara went to bed feeling confused. She loved Matt so much. He was all she had now. But she was starting to rethink her decision to move in with him. The heaviness of the decision weighed on her as she thought of just letting go of so many of her things, so much of her life, so much of herself.. She wasn't so sure she was ready to do that. After all, he had hurt her before. Sure, it was in the past now, and things were better. But it did happen. She hadn't forgotten.

She wanted to back out. She wanted to stay where she was and not move. But Sara began to feel scared at the thought of changing her plans with Matt. She was afraid of offending him. She was afraid to go against his wishes. She was afraid of making him angry. This isn't right. I shouldn't be afraid. Why am I afraid? Nothing bad is going to happen.

She drifted off to sleep, convincing herself she was silly for being so scared. Of course Matt would understand that there were just some things that she didn't want to leave behind. Or perhaps she would see if someone would hold on to them for her for a while. Something would work out. Maybe he was right.. maybe she should just let go and move on. She was being rather silly and selfish. Things would work out fine.

Sara woke to the sound of a key dropping on her night stand. She opened her eyes but the room was still dark. A silhouette walked around her bed and she sat up quickly.

"Who's there?” she demanded.

"Ssshh..” an amused chuckle followed as her mattress shifted and she realized in her grogginess that someone was on her bed crawling over her.

"It's just me baby.. I couldn't let us go to bed angry, darling..” Matt whispered in the darkness as he pulled the covers off her and ran his hands over her body tugging at her pajamas.

"Matt, stop it.” she whispered back. “What are you doing here, how did you get in?”

"A key.” he breathed in her ear as he kissed her neck.

"Matt, please.. stop.”

"Sssshhh.. Let's not go to bed angry.” he said as he pushed her back down on the bed and lay on top of her.

"Matt.. you're hurting me.”

"Sara, don't be ridiculous. I would never hurt you.. I love you.”

Sara felt his weight pressing her into the mattress and she wished it would just open up and swallow her whole as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to talk herself into being okay with what was happening to her..

Never Let Go - Part 5

Sara woke feeling groggy and confused. Her head hurt and her body felt as if it was stuck in mud. Laying in bed for a few more minutes, she tried to recall the night before.

At first, she came up blank. Then, Oh yeah.. date with Matt. She slowly replayed the dinner, the after meal stroll, and coming home in her mind. But then things were very foggy, fear crept in and a shiver ran down her spine. I can't remember.

Sara sat up carefully, swinging her legs over the side of the bed in preparation for a trip to the bathroom. Her crotch hurt. Oh, no. No no no no no.. What did I DO? What happened? Come on brain.. think. THINK. She felt embarrassed, self-conscious, and ashamed. But she didn't know why. Oh, jeez.. what Matt must think of me... Matt. As she thought of him, a lump of anger rose within her. She couldn't think of why she might be angry with him, but it was there. She dismissed it as just being angry at herself for the whole embarrassing situation.

Sara stood and walked to the bathroom, she still felt slightly sluggish but she made it okay. She pulled on some sweats and ran a brush through her hair before gathering it into a pony tail, and then went downstairs. As she entered the hall to the kitchen, she could smell bacon and hear someone moving around in the kitchen. That's odd.. Ms. Worthington should be at work by now..

As she walked into the kitchen, she saw Matt standing at the stove scrambling eggs. He turned when he heard her come in and smiled at her.

"Hey, sleepy head. You sleep okay?" he greeted her. She felt indignant yet vulnerable in his presence and wondered both why and how he was in the house. Surely, he hadn't been there all night?

"I'm... okay. What.. How did you get in?" she answered.

"Your key." he replied with a smile as he held up her house key. Sara's cheeks felt hot and she grabbed at the key, but Matt snatched it up away from her with a playful look. "What's the matter with you?"

"I think you should go, Matt.. I'm not feeling well."

"No."

"What??"

"No." The playfulness quickly dissolved into anger. "I come over here to make you breakfast and you kick me out!? What the hell is wrong with you Sara?"

"I.. I just don't feel.." Sara stammered as he stood there scowling at her.

"I don't want to hear your stupid excuses. You have someone else coming over here, don't you!" he turned away from the stove, hot spatula still in hand.

"No.. no, I.."

"Shut up!" he shouted as he swung and struck her in the face with the spatula. She cried out as searing pain spread across her face and her cheek burned red. Sara cowered and slumped into a chair at the table, but Matt came after her and, dropping the spatula on the table, lifted her out of the chair and shook her. "I've been so good to you, and this is how you treat me!? First trying to wear that slutty dress last night on a date with me, and now kicking me out when all I did was try to make you breakfast??" he shook her one more time before dropping her onto the floor and turning to walk out. On his way, he knocked the pan of eggs off the stove on to the floor.

"Make your own damn breakfast, bitch." he spat as he walked out of the kitchen.

Sara drew her knees to her chest as she sat on the kitchen floor and let the tears come. She listened as Matt walked down the hall and out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Never Let Go - Part 4

For those of you just joining us, or if you'd like to reread the first few instalments, go here. Sorry it's been a few weeks since the last segment, life ran away with my brain and things have been rather hectic. Thank you for not abandoning me understanding.
*****************************************************************

After a few weeks of going out with friends and attending various parties, Sara and Matt were about to have their first night out on their own. Sara was enjoying the pace of the relationship and Matt didn't seem to be in a rush either. Normally, she would have been on her own with a boyfriend at this point, but something about him made her somewhat hesitant. Still, they'd been thoroughly enjoying each other's company and even Sara's friends were quite taken with the charming young man.

But there were moments, when she would catch him staring at her with that mocking grin that she'd caught in the moonlight in Lithia Park, and it never failed to send a shiver down her spine.

Matt was picking her up at 7 and she was giving herself one last look in the mirror as she heard the knock on the door. She grabbed a sweater and headed for the door.

"Hey there." she said smiling, as she opened the door to greet him. He looked so handsome in his dark jeans, green t-shirt, and leather jacket, she couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious in his presence. He wrinkled his nose at her as he looked her up and down.

"I don't like that dress." His words stung, and Sara could tell by his tone that he expected her to change before they left. She felt indignant, hurt, confused, and a little angry. Her heart raced and a feeling of desperation set in as she wrestled with the choice of obliging him or ignoring him.

Feeling very small and a little helpless, Sara tried to form a response.

"Really? I.. uh.. I have another one that I was thinking about wearing.. I'll go put that on instead." as the words fell out of her mouth, she couldn't help but say in her head 'No! what are you doing??' It was as if this boy had some power over her, she wasn't so sure how she felt about that.

Sara looked in the mirror when she went into her room to change. He's right, really. It doesn't look good on me at all. Totally not my color. She took the dress off and picked up a slightly more modest blue one off her bed, where she'd tossed it when she passed it up for the clingier red one, and slipped it on. Much better, she thought. Definitely more 'me'.

Matt smiled at her as she walked back out to meet him. "Much better." he said approvingly. Somehow his words comforted her and she felt as if she'd won in some small way. His approving smile eased the sting of the initial insult.

The rest of the evening was lovely. A romantic dinner outside and a short stroll through the streets of downtown Ashland. Matt walked her to her door after their date and leaned against the wall as she slipped her key into the lock. She turned to say good night to him and he quickly pulled her to him and kissed her. Reaching his arm around her, he opened the door, pulled her into the house, and closed it behind him.

I don't recall inviting him in.. Sara thought to herself as she squirmed a little in his arms.

"What's wrong?" he asked with his teasing smile lighting up his face.

"Nothing.. I just.." she stammered as he held her tighter.

"Shhh.." he placed his finger over her lips. "We don't want to wake the old lady now, do we?"

"I feel funny.." Sara said, her head suddenly was spinning and her vision blurred. She felt as though she might pass out and leaned into Matt.

"I know, babe.. Just relax. Let's go sit on the couch for a bit. You probably just had too much wine." his voice was gentle and lilting.

"Can you help me upstairs? I think I should go to bed." she couldn't think straight and her bed sounded just about perfect at this point.

"Of course. Good idea." he answered with a grin as he helped her up the stairs.

Sara could barely put one foot in front of the other by the time they reached the top of the stairs. Matt carefully helped her into her bed and pulled off her shoes.

And that was the last thing she could remember..

Never Let Go - Part 3

I sat down to write this next part and got distracted by the news of my review by these Nice People (*snort*). So go read it when you're done here, and tell them what you think of it!

**************************************************************

To say that Sara was swept off her feet would be a bit of an understatement. Matt was not only handsome, he was chivalrous, charming, and very sweet. Sara all but forgot that she was out with her cast mates as she sat and talked with this intriguing stranger. He was a writer. Matt worked for a local magazine but also enjoyed writing poetry and prose and was even working on a play. How could that not get Sara's attention?

As the evening drew to a close, Matt offered to see Sara home. She informed him that she didn't live far from the theater and was renting a room in a little house up the street from Lithia Park. He proposed he walk with her and she gladly accepted.

It was right around midnight as the pair walked along the street toward the park, breathing in the warm summer breeze.

"Would you like to take a stroll through the park?" Matt asked as they neared its entrance. Could he be more romantic? she thought to herself.
"I'd love to," she replied softly.

They walked together along the garden paths in the moonlight. It was a clear night and the stars shone clearly despite the meager light pollution that the small town offered up to the night. The scent of flowers was heavy in the warm air and the sound of the creek gliding lazily over the rocks and sand rounded out the atmosphere perfectly.

Matt stopped in the gazebo and as Sara turned to see why he pulled her firmly into his arms. She was a bit taken aback at his abruptness and his firm grasp, but wasn't entirely opposed to his embrace.

"You are so beautiful." he breathed into her ear as his face came close to hers. He ran his fingers through her long brown hair and touched his cheek to hers as his fingertips slid down the nape of her neck. Sara felt breathless, speechless, and a little anxious all at once. She couldn't pinpoint where the twinge of fear was coming from exactly and decided to ignore it as Matt kissed her.

Again, she was startled by his forcefulness. He'd been so smooth and charming all evening, she'd imagined that he'd be a bit gentler with her. She pulled back a little, trying to catch her breath and he released her. He stood, staring at her in the moonlight, as a smile broke across his face. The shadows made it unclear, but Sara was pretty sure he had a very mocking grin on his face. He seemed pleased and rather amused with her response.

"I should really be getting home now.." she stammered. "Ms. Worthington doesn't like me coming in in the middle of the night, it wakes her sometimes.."

"Sure," he answered, offering her his elbow again. "Let's go then." His gentle manner had returned and Sara gladly took his arm as he led her out of the park and up the street to her house.

Never Let Go - Part 2

It was Much Ado About Nothing, the final play of that year's Shakespeare Festival, and tonight was sold out.

It was hot in the Elizabethan Stage, as always. But the wooden architecture and maze of rooms throughout lent itself so nicely to playing the part that it was, by far, Sara's favorite venue to perform in. And tonight felt as if it might be the culmination of her time with this theater group, as she dressed for her role of Hero.

Backstage was the usual bustle and chaos of the last 15 minutes before the show would open. The performers busy with dressing themselves, rehearsing lines, applying make-up, or tending to the divas of the theater. The air was heavy with body heat and the sound of lilting voices as everyone warmed up. Sara finished prepping herself and gave one last check in the mirror before heading up the narrow stair case and walking down the hallway to stage left to stand in wait of her cue.

The open air theater was packed in tight and a hush fell over the audience as the light came over the empty stage. Sara stood, poised and ready, as the butterflies filled her stomach and the near nausea set in with the rush of adrenaline that would overtake her right before any performance. Sara loved the sensation, tingles running down her spine and a lump rising in her throat. Sara breathed deep and let a broad smile spread across her face as the music began and they all danced across the stage in a lighthearted rendition of "Hey, Nonny Nonny".

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
    Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
    To one thing constant never;
        Then sigh not so,
        But let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no mo,
    Or dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
    Since summer first was leavy.
        Then sigh not so, 
        But let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into. Hey, nonny, nonny.

Sara performed her role perfectly and proudly walked out onto the stage with the rest of the ensemble for a final bow before heading back to her dressing room to change.

After the show, Tom and Lily informed her of the plans for the cast to gather at Standing Stone for an after show celebration. Sara agreed to meet them all there and gathered her things together.

As she exited the theater, she noticed a tall, handsome young man standing near the door with a bundle of roses in his hands. He spotted her and smiled as he headed her way.

"You were amazing tonight!" he exclaimed.
"Um.. thank you." Sara replied, wondering if she knew this fellow.
"I'm sorry.. how rude of me." he said, noticing her confusion at his abruptness. "I'm Matt. I'm a friend of Diane's and she's been talking about what a wonderful job you've done in the role of Hero here. I had to come see it for myself." he explained as he handed the roses to her. They were white, her favorite.
"Oh, I see! It's nice to meet you, Matt. My name is Sara.. though, I suppose you already knew that." she answered, blushing a little.

The boy was devilishly handsome and Sara was having a hard time not staring at his bright blue eyes as they looked at her through his shaggy brown hair. She felt breathless and a little intimidated in his presence and could not figure out why. It was uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time and Sara found herself stifling the desire to reach out and sweep the curled tendrils from his forehead so she could get a better look at his face.

"I was just on my way over to Standing Stone for a drink with my cast mates. Would.. would you like to join us?" she eagerly awaited his response.
"Yes! Yes, I would." he answered with a big smile, showing off his straight white teeth again. He turned and offered her his elbow, which she gladly took as they walked down the street toward the restaurant enjoying the warm summer night.

Never Let Go - Part 1

I enjoy a challenge now and then. So, this morning I was feeling a little stumped on what to blog about. What did I do? I went to my lovely followers on Twitter (all 540 of them) and asked them for an 'interesting topic or, better yet, a creative writing prompt'..

My good friend, Mary, from my local writing group gave me this gem:
"You find something other than lint in your pocket. It brings back memories.."

Now, let's get to work!
*******************************************************************

Sara pulled her jacket tighter as she walked down the front steps outside her apartment building. She was starting to doubt that she would ever get used to the cold here in Chicago as she pulled the zipper all the way up to her chin.

As she walked down the street, she lamented the fact that she had once again forgotten to slip on some gloves and she shoved her hands deep in her pockets. Only this time she found more than lint in the left one.

Hmm, what's this then? she thought. She hadn't worn these jeans since moving from Ashland, Oregon to Chicago last May. What could this be? she wondered as she wrapped her fingers around a crumpled piece of paper and pulled it out.

Sara assumed it was likely just an old receipt or shopping list.

But it wasn't.

She unfolded the small piece of notebook paper and immediately recognized Matt's slightly messy handwriting. Matt. He was practically the whole reason she'd left Ashland. Not that anyone knew that. They all assumed it was simply for pursuit of bigger roles in bigger theatres. But no, this move was even more of an escape than donning a costume and sauntering onto a stage.

God, I miss him.. Sara thought to herself as she gently smoothed the softened paper and walked street littered with red-gold and brown leaves. It wasn't much. Just a short note that he'd tucked in one of her books while visiting her one night, a short note with a poem.

My lovely Sara,
I'm so glad we got to spend this evening together. I won't ever forget it. I won't ever forget how you looked tonight, with your hair pulled up, and your silky blue dress that looked like it was made just for you.. Those soft tendrils of brown hair grazing your cheek, your neck.. I longed to be a lock of that hair, to rest against your smooth skin like that. It would be heaven to me. Thank you for going to dinner and dancing with me. I never imagined I would be so lucky as to have a girl like you in my life. But here you are. I will never let you go.

All my love,
Matt

the sun, moon, and stars
their beauty and wonder pale
when compared to yours

A chill went down her spine as she read his words. It felt like years had passed since that night. But in reality it had only been months. Still, the months had dragged on, full of confusion, joy, and pain. Sara was just so relieved to be far away from him now.

to be continued...